Make This Go On Forever?

I was never into playlists. I just had this one large list of about 300 songs and I'd play that to shuffle. Every song on that meant the same. Happy, sad, soft, hard - it was all the same. 
Then came states of euphoria and heartache. They're not too happy with just about any song, no sir. They needed special tracks just for them, just to highlight their presence and just maybe elevate their significance. 
In that sense, I feel that not having a playlist signifies an equilibrium. A sate of calmness where everything is good. Any song works for you. 
But after switching to the playlist system, it can also mean utter chaos. You don't know what you want to listen to, so you cycle through everything you got- hoping you'll hit the sweet spot.

Is it just me or does life work like that too? The minute you know what you like and what you want, you know you're old and ready to be screwed by the man.
 
Sometimes everything seems aimless, sometimes nothing does. I don't know which is worse 

So it turns out Blackstratblues will be in Delhi on (or around even if not on) my birthday.  I should be breaking something right now, but I can't seem to get myself to feel that strongly...about anything in fact.
This will be my first ever birthday away from home...away from Delhi...It feels...well, I'll finish that sentence when I know for sure..


EDIT : 

Also playing are Rudy Wallang, Bruce Lee Mani, Loy Mendonsa, Sanjay Divecha, Jai Row Kavi and Amyt Dutta 

F

M

L

Off He Goes...In The Waiting Line

"I'm having trouble seeing

 I'm punch drunk and I

 Need to find a way back home

 It'd be a miracle if you'd oblige..."

It feels funny. Being back. Online.

I never though I'd be able to live without an internet connection. But here I am...mooching off a friend's internet connection. It's surprising how much time I really spent on the internet. You never realise..never.

The good thing is I can blame the lack of posts on the absence of internet thig time. I feel proud. In true Indian fashion, I can legitimately pass the buck...Bring on the Common Wealth Games now. Oh, wait...

So I've been in Chennai for about 5 weeks now. Somehow 5 weeks sounds shorter than "over a month". I love how our brains function. Either way, it still feels like I've been here longer..much longer.

The best way I can describe my existence is by calling it the simple life- basic living, no flash, no bling..none of that hoopla(thank you E, for that word).

I really don't want to bitch about this city..I've done my share and the fact is that it really isn't that bad. I just live on the crappy side of town, far from all the action. That, coupled with the mafia-inspired extortion scam they call the public transport system, restricts me from going out and exploring th city. 

Another reason for that is also that I don't have 'my people' here. I do have fun people from work with whom I spend most of my time, but they're not 'my people'. That's why I think I love calling Delhi my hometown (and Bangalore too). I'm invested there in all those I love. I'm scattered across the city in portions that come together to make me whole.

I'd like nothing more than to get lost in Chennai and find my way back somehow..laughing and coming up with the craziest theories and plans. But I know for a fact that only Jayant Sonrexa can bring out that side of me. Hence I continue to live in this makeshift comfort zone in and around my apartment.

I'm just glad Bangalore has some of 'my people'. It's my weekend getaway. No, literally my "get away".

But the simple life has done me some good. I've not had time to sit and reflect almost endlessly for a very long time now. This place has given me that and for that I'll forever be grateful. I ended up writing my best song yet. I don't think I'll ever be able to write lyrics like that again anytime soon. My perspective on a lot of things underwent metamorphosis by me simply being here, and not in Delhi. There are so many things I understand now, so many things that I untangled and uncomplicated for myself. I can say with confidence (and a hint of narcissism) that I have achieved a state of clarity I wouldn't have in Delhi..not without leaving. And with that 

I understand now that everything in life is just preparation for something else..something bigger. Not having friends in my neighborhood and/or not having any siblings prepared me for being by myself at home. Sitting at home alone with nothing to do prepared me for life I'm living here. Sitting and reflecting in my small, funny smelling(oh believe me! I've tried getting rid of that damn smell but it clearly knows something I don't) apartment has given me clarity. What for? I have no idea, but I'm quite sure I'll find out soon. 'Til then..

"..Wasting my time

 In the waiting line
 Do you believe
 In what you see"

All Those Yesterdays

Monday, September 13 2010, 1:43 AM
"Reach the door,
 With a breath and a scream,
 Life ain't what it's worth
 A breath and a screa,
 Reach the door.."

1:56 AM
This is the first time in years my life seems definitive..like there's a plan and it's being followed. It's not my favourite plan but I'm just glad it's something. I'm a little tired, a little overwhelmed, a little lost but it still hasn't sunk in yet.

I cannot believe how bad the GRE sucked. The worst bit is that not only does your score suck, your self-esteem seems to join it. This time I was sure I'd killed it....that phrase is funny, "killing it". Never really understood how it came about, especially with a positive connotation...Anyway, the point is that I'm not sure whether I'll stick with this score or give it again..can't seem to decide. Probably because it still hasn't sunk in yet.

1:05 PM
I finally got down to organizing all the documents and whatnot I need to take with me. Leaving seems so much more...real..now. And the more real it gets, the less I seem to like it.
The biggest hangup about leaving is all that you can't leave behind, but you must. There's just too much of me invested here, more that I had realized. If I could take five ridiculous things with me, they'd be:

• Jayu. For the first time, I truly understand the concept of a best friend. I've had best friends before, but the ultimate nature of best-friendship was never understood before this awesome person came along. This one's for you King Kong. 
• Eve/Maria. This one is still hard to digest. I have not been away from either of my guitars for longer than 3 weeks. In fact, since 2005, I have not been away from a guitar for longer than 3 weeks. I dont know what I'm going to do
• Khan Market. I've practically lived there for about 2 years now. There's just something about that place. I feel at home there somehow.
• My roof. It's the best spot of all time. It's my happy place, my sad place, my thinking place..it's going to be sad to leave it behind. 
• The Delhi Metro. There's some strange connection there...

1:37 PM

I never thought I would, but I'm going to be in a strange mood when I pack...it still hasn't sunk in yet...

Sober

Tomorrow's the big day...I'm taking the GRE again. It's funny how people come up to you and ask you the one question that you can't possibly answer, the one question that you ask yourself any idle moment you get - "Are you prepared?" or the more commonly used variant, "How's the preparation?"
How does one possibly answer that question. There's no right answer....there's no honest answer. You're left with no exit strategy besides mild humor followed by an abrupt (and rather obvious) change of subject...but that can also be fun sometimes. But only sometimes..
My sloth-radius is rather small this time around. I've only cluttered one side of my rather small double-bed (I still have no clue to what king-sized, queen-sized, aces-sized really means). But I think the computer-based format of the test and the internet in general are to blame for that...at least I'm still wearing pants

I haven't even binged on cigarettes in a while,  I think since the last party on the roof. A couple of times I haven't enjoyed till I got myself something to drink alongside..I'll get to figure this out tomorrow. Two words, no three - birthday pool party! hahaha! Coming back to the point, I feel....in a funny sort of way, tamed...like I've sobered down. I drink every chance I get. Yeah, I like my alcohol and there's no shame in that. But I, for the life of me, can't get drunk anymore! Am I just subconsciously drinking responsibly or has my body just stopped responding to liquor in a large manner? I went for this house party at a friend's place and there's only one way to describe it- Isane! I drank more than I probably ever have. Result? Sober. It's astounding. I can't seem to explain it. Let's just hope that's not part of the desensitization, because that would be a bitch.



P.S It's been 2 years, I still can't stop tripping on Zephyretta. If Them Clones ever did one right thing, it was this song.

Lost Along The Day

Is it narcissistic of me to be listening to my own song while I write this? Ah well, that's that...can't help it if "Endless Night" is rather kickass in its own right.
EDIT : 'hi-fidelity lows' playlist back on (funny how I seem to write here when I'm listening to it) 

It's been over two months since I wrote anything....but as always, the only reason is that there wasn't much to write about. However, I was looking back at all that has happened since I last wrote here, and I realised I've just bene passing off events as inconsequential even though they're noteworthy. Why? No fuckin' clue. If any of you have any ideas, you know where to find me.

So all those months of sitting at home and labouring over the GRE lead to no spectacular result...i scored a 1280 out of 1600. It's not that bad, but personally I thought 1300 would be respectable, and the itch for those last 20 marks is a bitch (haha) so I'm taking it again in about five days.

Every plan that was being formulated and incubated since April has been cancelled or delayed.
The EP is nowhere. We weren't even able to start recording.
I still haven't gone to Bangalore.
I became single again with absolutely no prospects of that changing anytime in the future.
(as mentioned before) GRE = Fail. (at least the first attempt)
Black Market Collective/Gangotri/Makeshift after what I'd consider a pretty good run is over murky waters. Without Ushinor and Nikhil we really don't have enough directional talent to pull off a sucessful run. I highly doubt we'll find musicians to trace their credentials...

Other events that have transpired in the past couple of months:
I had a legendary party and it was good.
I went to Japan for 3 days (this will get its own post soon)
Anna Kaushik came back to the country and it was awesome. She is one of the coolest people I know and she made my 'summer' awesome. She's gone back to Holland and I miss her.
Jayu and I were up to no good as usual (details of this may also find itself a dedicated post soon)

NTU plans have also been postponed. The courses I want to apply to only have August intakes (that means, the courses only start in August). I wasn't aware of this till recently all thanks to my brilliant skills of not looking at things properly. Also, the sound course at SAE doesn't start before April. All of this basically implies that I have nothing to do till then. Of course, my parents know nothing of any of this.

EDIT : What I was calling fate, just might be my dad being anal. The point being, I just got a joining date at TCS. It's the end of the month and it's in Chennai. If I take it, I get to earn, get out of the house and have something to do till I leave (hopefully) for Singapore in April. But it also means bidding my people farewell sooner than I thought and giving up all hopes of playing live anytime soon.

I feel like this is the lowest I've been all year. Although I haven't ever mentioned the concept of 'the void' here or to many people in general, I feel it's presence once more..
The void is this black hole I feel inside of me. Yknow how every one has that sinking feeling? Well, this is like that, but instead of sinking, there's emptiness..so much so that it seems like a black hole. I like to call it the void.
I miss everyone. I miss being carefree. I miss doing random shit even when I'm alone. The only times I think I've genuinely laughed recently have been doing and watching random shit with Jayu. I don't mean your regular haha, I mean literal outbursts! It's like I'm slowly getting desensitized and that truly scares me.
If I had to think of one thing thats keeping me going(if this even counts as that), I can't...It'll come to me eventually but as of now, I have no fuckin' clue...

"Out of the way, it's a busy day
Ive got things on my mind.
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died."

Pink Floyd really got it right.

Honesty Scrap Award

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

Poe, being her sweet self, tagged me in this, and made my day nicer, gushier and overall awww-er. Thanks Oompa, you and your awesomeness are a force to reckon with.

Here's how it goes:

Some rules of the game

a) Show off your honesty(and modesty) by thanking the person who gave you the award and link to their post.

b) List 10 honest things about yourself. Cheating makes you lame, so just play along, all you taggees.

c) Select 7 other bloggers you think deserve this award and pass it on to them.

d) Notify said bloggers about the award and invite them to be the honest ones next. Ooh, I'm sure they'd love that.

So I'm done with a). As far as b) is concerned, here goes nothing... 

1. I like romantic comedies. I enjoy them, in their entirety.
2. It's hard for me to keep promises. I end up promising more than I can deliver...but I try..
3. As a kid, once, I was so dazed that when the doorbell rang, I answered the phone. 
4. I first cursed when I was 2. I said "batthard".
5. I hate change and I hate experimenting, especially with music. I love that comfort zone too much. Even if it's an album or a song by an artist I love. I'm much better now though
6. I'm not really ambitious. I don't care much for money or extraordinary ways of getting more of it.
7. Music is more a part of me than anything or anyone else. I know everybody loves music, but it's doesn't end there for me. Music defines my existence and me as a human being. I can't feel right without it. I need to have music when I'm doing something on my own..the only reason I don't around people is because it's rude...I would if I could..
8. As much as I love Eve, Maria will always be around. [for those who don't know what I'm talking about, ask me sometime]
9. My biggest fear in life is that I'll be a disappointment.
10. I'm a better at being a friend than a boyfriend.

Point b)...Check

To points c) and d) now. Here are the nominee's for this year's

M

Stalker

KK

(I'd tag more people but I don't have more left....must go and socialize more on blogger..)

New Delhi State of Mind

The title is a Billy Joel reference. Yes, he is awesome! Haters can leave.
I've been listening to an odd variety of music lately. Lots of Joel, Dave Matthews Band, Incubus, Stone Gossard and the ever-engulfing "Hi-fidelity Lows" playlist.
I still don't know what it all means though.

It's been a while since I visited this place...Honestly, I completely forgot I even had a blog. A new friend stumbled across it and reminded me. I feel like one of those parents who leave their kids at the supermarket and bring home a pumpkin instead.
But it's not like I've had much to post about. Life's been pretty monotonous since i quit work. I'm studying - not as much as I should, but enough to make me not panic. I still have to fix a damn date for GRE but I know I'm not delaying it beyond the first week of August. I'll try to not procrastinate and "be my own person" as I was recently told to be. I still don't know what it all means though.

I'm REALLY tired of this city right now. I love it and everything but I've had enough. The heat, the shit, the complete hopelessness...I thought 2010 would be better..Turns out, its just 2009 in sheep's clothing.
I desperately need Bangalore- that city is like Vegas to me...ok, maybe a little more than just Vegas.I did end up playing a few gigs though. I never realized how comfortable I feel on stage...it literally feels like i was meant to do this. I have this thing- Any band I play live with, ends up breaking up after 2 gigs. I haven't played more than 2 (professional) shows with any outfit. I still don't know what it all means though.

On the bright side of it all, I'm collaborating with a friend of mine to work on my first EP. Nothing fancy just redoing a few tracks of mine with another friend who's going to help out with some vocals and whatnot. Wont say much on this right now...don't want to jinx it.

I still don't know what it all means though...

Let It Out

Built upon bridges of hay
And promises made yesterday
I stagger along and wonder
The sun that shone in his face
The jigsaw that fell into place
It all falls asunder

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

The fear i hold inside
And the madness on the outside
Try to save me from denial
But days of sun and days of rain
Take away all the pain
And leave me beguiled

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

Another dream
The curtains fall
The pictures scream
Cant say it all
Locked in a room
Melodies die
Questions loom
Answers pass me by

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

Six Hundred Days

It's getting late, but just a little bit
Maybe in time I'll know, but not today
Sweet saccharine, hides a vice
Here I go adding some sour, to my nice
I see a bright light, but this is not the end
I find the right clues, but no answers
The last song, played clean
But no sad coda, just the in-between

Here we are, once again
Face to face
To say goodbye, and bury those
Six hundred days

It's a brand new day, but not quite
Some things have changed, some haven't
New beginnings, a whole new face
Here I go making, a little more space

Here we are, once again
Face to face
To say goodbye, and bury those
Six hundred days

A Great Day For Freedom

So I finally quit work.

I'm sitting at home on a monday for the first time in 6 months and it feels good! I finally feel like I can get down to so much of other work that's been piling on since God-knows-when.

I haven't written anything of substance(not including this blog) in over four months! I haven't recorded a whole song in over three..and I strongly belhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2282195563134620081ieve it was because of work. The office was a road block when it came to creativity, and I know that for a fact because I already have a solid idea for a new song in my head...The cool bit is that the parts were thought of months back, but just sitting and sorting them all out in my head let them fall into place, and into a structure...
If nothing else, I have "Shuchi's Song" to keep the creative juices flowing.

I'm glad Shuch showed up at TLR..and E at route04. There's this sense of euphoria that surrounds reconnecting with friends after a period of time, even if you're just standing with a pint waiting to play a gig, or just sitting in bar and catching up. I'm drawn to two very opposing sides when it comes to "catching up". A part of me feels like it should never get to the point where you need to "reconnect" with a friend, but a part of me enjoys the euphoria too much. Trying to draw a conclusion, a little logic helps me cheat...Logic and I share a love-hate relationship worthy of a TV soap, but more on that later..

R.I.P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEARSh0Q1JY&feature=related


This is what they meant when they said the music died.

What also died with it, was a little bit of me, when I saw this...

I feel fractured

Silver Bullets

Rain brings life to this
Barren ground i call
My mind
And these days
Realization lies in
Knowing I have left
Some scars
Along the way
Yet to heal

I'm done waiting
I'm done playing
Go find you silver bullet
I got my earthen dreams

Medicate this
Frustration or tell me
Things arent right
But they arent wrong
Misleading hope has
Thrown me off but
I still hold
My resolve
To bring me home

I'm not thinking
I'm not praying
Go find your silver bullet
I got my earthen dreams

Subterranean Homesick Engineer

It's a slow wednesday. Im blogging from the office because the work is done..alright, not done - I've done most of it but I'm stuck at this one point where the diagram refuses to show and its completely aggravating...

not the point...

I'm not quite sure what the point is, actually. Im working for a company that doesnt pay me, without a degree in my hands(for the time being) and with only a rough idea of what I want to do in life...yet somehow, in general, I feel alright. I think the system's made me immune to overthinking things. College was like that- barely studying for the internals, somehow scraping through the end-sems(yeah, I did give a re-appars, but I can honestly say it wasn't because of me....no, im not a blame-thrower...leave!), conjuring projects and assignments out of thin air(read, the world wide web, coupled with the fancy boys at nehru place and/or gafaar market). Four years just made me accustomed to the "ho jaaega" frame of mind...Just makes me worship Pink Floyd even more for having coming up with being "comfortably numb"...I'll stop ranting now..

I hate being in the office and not having anything to do. I'd rather just do that at home, at least there I can waste my time away in the comfort of my bed rather than a lousy, revolving chair.

But hey! I found out NTU doesnt require work ex, so plan A is, for all practical purposes, back on track :D
I just need to start studying for the GRE......tiny techinicality if you ask me. Though, I really should stop going out as much as I do on the weekends, thats the only time I have to study 'coz there is no way in hell I'm studying AFTER work! Mind-numbing-ness will reach great, new heights if that happens and I really could do without that for now.


Me.

P.S How in the world do I get more people to read all of this?!

So i just got to know that Singapore doesn't let you apply for a masters program without 2 years of work ex (at least for comp. science)


there goes plan A.....wish i had plan B in mind
i would like to quote the internet at this point of time..."FML"

Silent/Safe

I dont know why I came
But I know i gotta go
If I ever return
I'll know better than to come alone
Falls on me hard
As the heaviest of stone
Its not over I promise you
Could be beat down but Im not gone

I'll fall through the cracks
Fall through another day
No, Im not wiser
Just silent

Might be in your sights
But not within reach
Talk all you want
Just pick up the pieces while you speak
You really do know it all
Closer home to reality
And on a different day
Through pinpricks and dandelions you feel

You'll fall through the cracks
Fall through with a bang
Yes, you're here to stay
You're safe

Start it over
Start it all over again
Im silent
You're safe

Moving On

First step towards starting over - copy stuff from here and there and bring it all here...periodically


Me

Phoenix, much?

To the one random person who might stuble across this page somehow,

Welcome.
You might wonder where you might be. Dont be afraid, its just a dead blog. I cant seem to remember why I started it, and I cant see the point of continuing it, since I can barely write, dont have much of a life and pretty much suck at keeping stuff updated.

BUUUUUUUUUT,
Poe was nice enough to overhaul this place, and i intend to keep it up and running, just to honour the effort
Thanks O :)

So besides a little bit of ranting, some pointless lamenting and some nothingness, you'll come across some stuff I'd written but never put up here. Yay for periodic updates

It'd be nice if people actually read this and commented and whatnot, but ah well, lets not get ahead of ourselves


Me.