Saturday, June 11, 2011

On a Day Like Today

7:55 AM
A quick cigarette before the cab to work picks me up. I stub it just as the driver pulls up in front of me. Just as I'm about to sit, everything spins out of control for a second - my first headrush in weeks. 

8:00 AM 
'mere yaar' is the first song on shuffle. It blends perfectly with the weather. It's damp and optimistically overacast. The clouds look like a menacing wave charging towards an invisible beach. The smell emabating from the dirt and Tarmac together almost remind me of wet grass. Everything looks clean and fresh. It's like the rain gave the city a new start. 

I think that's why we love the rain. It's a happy time- the period before we're back at forty degrees. Nobody really complains. Strangers in the metro animatedly discuss the good weather instead of just looking nowhere with blank expressions 
The rain gives us hope. Just like the city, we too will be able to start over in some small way- A tiny 'restart from checkpoint'…

8:20 AM
Just as I start to think about my own choices in life, 'superman' (lazlo bane, the scrubs song) starts playing. My phone shuffle's being a real genius today
I've being trying to figure out if I'm truly happy as a person. I know I'm not depressed, not clinically anyway. But my pessimism has taken a new turn of late. It kinda engulfs me; that never happened before. Even when I'm not being pessimistic, I tend to lean towards the negative side of a station. I know it's because I've grown completely tired of disappointments. I think getting rejected from NTU was the tipping point. It was the first time in years a result affected me that much. 

Not knowing what my next move scares me. It was easy to live like that before but I gotta accept that I'm 23. Right now is the 'later' I always thought of when used to say "this doesn't need to be thought of till later". I'm at the proverbial bridge in "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". And being here clueless is horrifying. I'm just blindly applying everywhere now. I've practically kissed my sound engineering dreams goodbye…

The only good thing that's come out all this is that I'm dealing with the slump the only way I know how- music. I'm writing for the first time in over 2 months. I'm re-recording 'clarity' (no, not a John Mayer cover…go to my music page you ignorant, beautiful people. The link is on the right. Right there…yeah, the black and white picture of me playing, that's the one)

I want to end with "maybe it will all end up the way it should" but I don't know. Maybe…

Sunday, June 5, 2011


Been a while, yeah? How've you been?
Wow, the formality of this exchange is creeping me out a bit..
I don't get it. How do things fall out so much that you don't even know what's going on in your friend's life. But like I recently heard Dave Ghrol sing, "the deepest blues are black". Makes sense

Before you misunderstand me or this letter, I'll clarify. This is not me reaching out again. This is not an apology, nor a demand for one. This is nothing but a clarification. One long overdue

I think the crux of the matter lies in the fact that I'm a forgiving person. I can't hold grudges. So every time I forgave all those people you asked me not to, you thought I was weak. You still think it, don't you? You think I'm confused
I was confused. Yes. But it was a confusing time for me. You of all people should've understood that.
I spoke to you about everything because that's what friends did. There's a lot of shit from back then that nobody knows about. Just you…
If I'd known that me pouring myself out like that would have you believe I'm weak, I would've told you right then. But then I do tend to go blind towards the people I love.
I'm not weak. I've not had the hardest life out there(if anything i've had it bloody good). But I'm weathered enough to watch my back and not get hurt anymore. I always forgive, but I dont always forget. That's another thing you refused to see in me.

I think the worst part is how easy it was for you to give it all up. Throw the friendship away without even a second thought. The cherry on top of this beautiful sundae is that you used my own admissions and moments of weakness as an excuse. still do
And that is exactly why you won't hear from me. Not from the heart anyway.
The niceties will always be there, and truthfully too. I won't ever fake a smile. But I won't go any further than that

Next time you'll get it, maybe next time you'll make amends