On a Day Like Today

7:55 AM
A quick cigarette before the cab to work picks me up. I stub it just as the driver pulls up in front of me. Just as I'm about to sit, everything spins out of control for a second - my first headrush in weeks. 

8:00 AM 
'mere yaar' is the first song on shuffle. It blends perfectly with the weather. It's damp and optimistically overacast. The clouds look like a menacing wave charging towards an invisible beach. The smell emabating from the dirt and Tarmac together almost remind me of wet grass. Everything looks clean and fresh. It's like the rain gave the city a new start. 

I think that's why we love the rain. It's a happy time- the period before we're back at forty degrees. Nobody really complains. Strangers in the metro animatedly discuss the good weather instead of just looking nowhere with blank expressions 
The rain gives us hope. Just like the city, we too will be able to start over in some small way- A tiny 'restart from checkpoint'…

8:20 AM
Just as I start to think about my own choices in life, 'superman' (lazlo bane, the scrubs song) starts playing. My phone shuffle's being a real genius today
I've being trying to figure out if I'm truly happy as a person. I know I'm not depressed, not clinically anyway. But my pessimism has taken a new turn of late. It kinda engulfs me; that never happened before. Even when I'm not being pessimistic, I tend to lean towards the negative side of a station. I know it's because I've grown completely tired of disappointments. I think getting rejected from NTU was the tipping point. It was the first time in years a result affected me that much. 

Not knowing what my next move scares me. It was easy to live like that before but I gotta accept that I'm 23. Right now is the 'later' I always thought of when used to say "this doesn't need to be thought of till later". I'm at the proverbial bridge in "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". And being here clueless is horrifying. I'm just blindly applying everywhere now. I've practically kissed my sound engineering dreams goodbye…

The only good thing that's come out all this is that I'm dealing with the slump the only way I know how- music. I'm writing for the first time in over 2 months. I'm re-recording 'clarity' (no, not a John Mayer cover…go to my music page you ignorant, beautiful people. The link is on the right. Right there…yeah, the black and white picture of me playing, that's the one)

I want to end with "maybe it will all end up the way it should" but I don't know. Maybe…