Hindsight is a bitch. It makes you wonder too much. Looking back at the past wondering how things could've been if you you knew back then, what you do now.
A friend recently told me that she started dating a girl she knew. After the initial shock and awe that every man displays on hearing of such wonderful things (there really wasn't much…I've come to accept these things now. I have cool friends)
When I asked her how her Boyfriend-of-a-trazillion-years felt about it, her reply- in the form of a question- was short and crisp, "how would you feel if your girlfriend had a girlfriend?"
The honest truth is that I have no idea. Whatever answer I might give is speculation and gyan gathered from couples all around me. My relationships have hardly lasted to even reach the stage of asking the 'big relationship questions'
And then I reflect back to the yesteryears. I see myself doing the things I did, make the mistakes I made. Armed with the knowledge of the future, I see situations for what they could've been, how I could've been. Better. Smarter.
But what's the point? You gain nothing from it. You're only reinforcing what you've already learnt. You only end up beating yourself up for not being the person you are now. With a bitter taste in your mouth. One tiny bit more cynical
'Back to me, I know it comes back to me.
Your will's not strong as it used to be'
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each day to feel fulfilled.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I've smoked at least 2 packs of milds in the last 5 days. Ive had more
alcohol than I thought humanly capable and I can still go for more.
And im left with the question, why? The answer is simple. Binge and
purge. I'm trying to kill the parts of me that I can't stand by using
the spirit of choice. It's almost like I can start over if I can burn
out and rise up like a Phoenix
I'm dreading going back to work. The same damn conference calls, the
same damn screen, the same damn routine. I've never dreading going
back to Delhi. It's disconcerting
I love Delhi and having this feeling is just not something I want to experience
I have a feeling everything is about to change when I get back.
Nothing is going to be the same. I almost welcome it. Any change at
this point seems like it'll be for the good but what do I know? Murphy
is a mean motherfucker
Sunday, August 7, 2011
to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility
is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen
to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be
at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each
day to feel fulfilled.
The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this
same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't
know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.
Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is
music- Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close
to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one
complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything
in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year.
I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.
Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the
pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've
been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is
becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm
exaggerating, but the facts still hold
Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to
gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass
first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'.
I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I
need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for
something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something