Thursday, April 5, 2012

Go Slowly…on a Wheel

I just realised I haven't written in all of March.
It's a little surprising. But mostly not.

In the fraction of a second of the metro-door opening, this peaceful empty bogey has turned into this cacophony of screams, laughter and conversation. I'm oblivious to it all. I have my noise- cancelling headphones on and all I can hear is John Mayer sing about how

"You won't be the first, to love me…"

In the previous chorus he sang

"I won't be the last, to love her…"

I like how he's being brave about what clearly is a breakup. "I have been in love and I will fall in love again..but so will you". That sort of assurance is something I don't see in myself. I always second-guess myself. But that's a good thing. For me. It keeps me on my toes for the most part.

Routine has this sneaky way of catching up with you and becoming a part of you. And then it multiplies. And replicates. Imbibing itself into every little bit of your existence. So much so that you could jump months, even years, and analyse them and notice a routine existing.
I noticed a long-played routine only a few days ago. I also realised that this routine is one I'm not likely to break for a while. How long? Beats me, but a while for sure.

So what do I do with this information? How do I let it shape me as a person? I did something I haven't done in a while. Accept it, and stop caring. It's not "que Sara Sara" and all that crap. I think the best way to describe it is how I interpret Unified Theory's song

"I know I'm not dead
Oh god, I know I'm not dead…yet"

The most obvious thing to pick up from that line is that Chris Shinn wants to die. But that "I know" changes everything if you look at it closely. "I know I'm not dead, even if I want to be". So you just accept what you have and what you don't and carry on doing what you want to/ what you have to.

There is hidden relief in acceptance that becomes so pronounced in certain circumstances that you wonder if it it applies to acceptance in all it's forms . The point is, I have accepted. And it works. Right here, right now, it works. And I'm going to use that understanding and acceptance to carry on without feeling too bad about situations and circumstances I am subject to ( for whatever reason).

Whatever doubt remains, shall be drowned in alcohol, music and company. In any combination available.