All Those Yesterdays

Monday, September 13 2010, 1:43 AM
"Reach the door,
 With a breath and a scream,
 Life ain't what it's worth
 A breath and a screa,
 Reach the door.."

1:56 AM
This is the first time in years my life seems definitive..like there's a plan and it's being followed. It's not my favourite plan but I'm just glad it's something. I'm a little tired, a little overwhelmed, a little lost but it still hasn't sunk in yet.

I cannot believe how bad the GRE sucked. The worst bit is that not only does your score suck, your self-esteem seems to join it. This time I was sure I'd killed it....that phrase is funny, "killing it". Never really understood how it came about, especially with a positive connotation...Anyway, the point is that I'm not sure whether I'll stick with this score or give it again..can't seem to decide. Probably because it still hasn't sunk in yet.

1:05 PM
I finally got down to organizing all the documents and whatnot I need to take with me. Leaving seems so much more...real..now. And the more real it gets, the less I seem to like it.
The biggest hangup about leaving is all that you can't leave behind, but you must. There's just too much of me invested here, more that I had realized. If I could take five ridiculous things with me, they'd be:

• Jayu. For the first time, I truly understand the concept of a best friend. I've had best friends before, but the ultimate nature of best-friendship was never understood before this awesome person came along. This one's for you King Kong. 
• Eve/Maria. This one is still hard to digest. I have not been away from either of my guitars for longer than 3 weeks. In fact, since 2005, I have not been away from a guitar for longer than 3 weeks. I dont know what I'm going to do
• Khan Market. I've practically lived there for about 2 years now. There's just something about that place. I feel at home there somehow.
• My roof. It's the best spot of all time. It's my happy place, my sad place, my thinking place..it's going to be sad to leave it behind. 
• The Delhi Metro. There's some strange connection there...

1:37 PM

I never thought I would, but I'm going to be in a strange mood when I pack...it still hasn't sunk in yet...

Sober

Tomorrow's the big day...I'm taking the GRE again. It's funny how people come up to you and ask you the one question that you can't possibly answer, the one question that you ask yourself any idle moment you get - "Are you prepared?" or the more commonly used variant, "How's the preparation?"
How does one possibly answer that question. There's no right answer....there's no honest answer. You're left with no exit strategy besides mild humor followed by an abrupt (and rather obvious) change of subject...but that can also be fun sometimes. But only sometimes..
My sloth-radius is rather small this time around. I've only cluttered one side of my rather small double-bed (I still have no clue to what king-sized, queen-sized, aces-sized really means). But I think the computer-based format of the test and the internet in general are to blame for that...at least I'm still wearing pants

I haven't even binged on cigarettes in a while,  I think since the last party on the roof. A couple of times I haven't enjoyed till I got myself something to drink alongside..I'll get to figure this out tomorrow. Two words, no three - birthday pool party! hahaha! Coming back to the point, I feel....in a funny sort of way, tamed...like I've sobered down. I drink every chance I get. Yeah, I like my alcohol and there's no shame in that. But I, for the life of me, can't get drunk anymore! Am I just subconsciously drinking responsibly or has my body just stopped responding to liquor in a large manner? I went for this house party at a friend's place and there's only one way to describe it- Isane! I drank more than I probably ever have. Result? Sober. It's astounding. I can't seem to explain it. Let's just hope that's not part of the desensitization, because that would be a bitch.



P.S It's been 2 years, I still can't stop tripping on Zephyretta. If Them Clones ever did one right thing, it was this song.

Lost Along The Day

Is it narcissistic of me to be listening to my own song while I write this? Ah well, that's that...can't help it if "Endless Night" is rather kickass in its own right.
EDIT : 'hi-fidelity lows' playlist back on (funny how I seem to write here when I'm listening to it) 

It's been over two months since I wrote anything....but as always, the only reason is that there wasn't much to write about. However, I was looking back at all that has happened since I last wrote here, and I realised I've just bene passing off events as inconsequential even though they're noteworthy. Why? No fuckin' clue. If any of you have any ideas, you know where to find me.

So all those months of sitting at home and labouring over the GRE lead to no spectacular result...i scored a 1280 out of 1600. It's not that bad, but personally I thought 1300 would be respectable, and the itch for those last 20 marks is a bitch (haha) so I'm taking it again in about five days.

Every plan that was being formulated and incubated since April has been cancelled or delayed.
The EP is nowhere. We weren't even able to start recording.
I still haven't gone to Bangalore.
I became single again with absolutely no prospects of that changing anytime in the future.
(as mentioned before) GRE = Fail. (at least the first attempt)
Black Market Collective/Gangotri/Makeshift after what I'd consider a pretty good run is over murky waters. Without Ushinor and Nikhil we really don't have enough directional talent to pull off a sucessful run. I highly doubt we'll find musicians to trace their credentials...

Other events that have transpired in the past couple of months:
I had a legendary party and it was good.
I went to Japan for 3 days (this will get its own post soon)
Anna Kaushik came back to the country and it was awesome. She is one of the coolest people I know and she made my 'summer' awesome. She's gone back to Holland and I miss her.
Jayu and I were up to no good as usual (details of this may also find itself a dedicated post soon)

NTU plans have also been postponed. The courses I want to apply to only have August intakes (that means, the courses only start in August). I wasn't aware of this till recently all thanks to my brilliant skills of not looking at things properly. Also, the sound course at SAE doesn't start before April. All of this basically implies that I have nothing to do till then. Of course, my parents know nothing of any of this.

EDIT : What I was calling fate, just might be my dad being anal. The point being, I just got a joining date at TCS. It's the end of the month and it's in Chennai. If I take it, I get to earn, get out of the house and have something to do till I leave (hopefully) for Singapore in April. But it also means bidding my people farewell sooner than I thought and giving up all hopes of playing live anytime soon.

I feel like this is the lowest I've been all year. Although I haven't ever mentioned the concept of 'the void' here or to many people in general, I feel it's presence once more..
The void is this black hole I feel inside of me. Yknow how every one has that sinking feeling? Well, this is like that, but instead of sinking, there's emptiness..so much so that it seems like a black hole. I like to call it the void.
I miss everyone. I miss being carefree. I miss doing random shit even when I'm alone. The only times I think I've genuinely laughed recently have been doing and watching random shit with Jayu. I don't mean your regular haha, I mean literal outbursts! It's like I'm slowly getting desensitized and that truly scares me.
If I had to think of one thing thats keeping me going(if this even counts as that), I can't...It'll come to me eventually but as of now, I have no fuckin' clue...

"Out of the way, it's a busy day
Ive got things on my mind.
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died."

Pink Floyd really got it right.

Honesty Scrap Award

“This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

Poe, being her sweet self, tagged me in this, and made my day nicer, gushier and overall awww-er. Thanks Oompa, you and your awesomeness are a force to reckon with.

Here's how it goes:

Some rules of the game

a) Show off your honesty(and modesty) by thanking the person who gave you the award and link to their post.

b) List 10 honest things about yourself. Cheating makes you lame, so just play along, all you taggees.

c) Select 7 other bloggers you think deserve this award and pass it on to them.

d) Notify said bloggers about the award and invite them to be the honest ones next. Ooh, I'm sure they'd love that.

So I'm done with a). As far as b) is concerned, here goes nothing... 

1. I like romantic comedies. I enjoy them, in their entirety.
2. It's hard for me to keep promises. I end up promising more than I can deliver...but I try..
3. As a kid, once, I was so dazed that when the doorbell rang, I answered the phone. 
4. I first cursed when I was 2. I said "batthard".
5. I hate change and I hate experimenting, especially with music. I love that comfort zone too much. Even if it's an album or a song by an artist I love. I'm much better now though
6. I'm not really ambitious. I don't care much for money or extraordinary ways of getting more of it.
7. Music is more a part of me than anything or anyone else. I know everybody loves music, but it's doesn't end there for me. Music defines my existence and me as a human being. I can't feel right without it. I need to have music when I'm doing something on my own..the only reason I don't around people is because it's rude...I would if I could..
8. As much as I love Eve, Maria will always be around. [for those who don't know what I'm talking about, ask me sometime]
9. My biggest fear in life is that I'll be a disappointment.
10. I'm a better at being a friend than a boyfriend.

Point b)...Check

To points c) and d) now. Here are the nominee's for this year's

M

Stalker

KK

(I'd tag more people but I don't have more left....must go and socialize more on blogger..)

New Delhi State of Mind

The title is a Billy Joel reference. Yes, he is awesome! Haters can leave.
I've been listening to an odd variety of music lately. Lots of Joel, Dave Matthews Band, Incubus, Stone Gossard and the ever-engulfing "Hi-fidelity Lows" playlist.
I still don't know what it all means though.

It's been a while since I visited this place...Honestly, I completely forgot I even had a blog. A new friend stumbled across it and reminded me. I feel like one of those parents who leave their kids at the supermarket and bring home a pumpkin instead.
But it's not like I've had much to post about. Life's been pretty monotonous since i quit work. I'm studying - not as much as I should, but enough to make me not panic. I still have to fix a damn date for GRE but I know I'm not delaying it beyond the first week of August. I'll try to not procrastinate and "be my own person" as I was recently told to be. I still don't know what it all means though.

I'm REALLY tired of this city right now. I love it and everything but I've had enough. The heat, the shit, the complete hopelessness...I thought 2010 would be better..Turns out, its just 2009 in sheep's clothing.
I desperately need Bangalore- that city is like Vegas to me...ok, maybe a little more than just Vegas.I did end up playing a few gigs though. I never realized how comfortable I feel on stage...it literally feels like i was meant to do this. I have this thing- Any band I play live with, ends up breaking up after 2 gigs. I haven't played more than 2 (professional) shows with any outfit. I still don't know what it all means though.

On the bright side of it all, I'm collaborating with a friend of mine to work on my first EP. Nothing fancy just redoing a few tracks of mine with another friend who's going to help out with some vocals and whatnot. Wont say much on this right now...don't want to jinx it.

I still don't know what it all means though...

Let It Out

Built upon bridges of hay
And promises made yesterday
I stagger along and wonder
The sun that shone in his face
The jigsaw that fell into place
It all falls asunder

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

The fear i hold inside
And the madness on the outside
Try to save me from denial
But days of sun and days of rain
Take away all the pain
And leave me beguiled

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

Another dream
The curtains fall
The pictures scream
Cant say it all
Locked in a room
Melodies die
Questions loom
Answers pass me by

One more time
Close your eyes and take the fall
Let it out
Let me in and save the song

Six Hundred Days

It's getting late, but just a little bit
Maybe in time I'll know, but not today
Sweet saccharine, hides a vice
Here I go adding some sour, to my nice
I see a bright light, but this is not the end
I find the right clues, but no answers
The last song, played clean
But no sad coda, just the in-between

Here we are, once again
Face to face
To say goodbye, and bury those
Six hundred days

It's a brand new day, but not quite
Some things have changed, some haven't
New beginnings, a whole new face
Here I go making, a little more space

Here we are, once again
Face to face
To say goodbye, and bury those
Six hundred days