Better Days

I met hilltop a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to describe how I felt then. It's hard to describe how I felt after as well.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.

I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out

It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway

I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.

<insert random song title>

Signs things aren't going so well - losing faith in your own dreams

Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)

You

Took all you wanted 

Spilled all sorts of ink

Nothing left to bloom 

Nothing left to return 

 

Yell,

Speak your mind 

Scream,

Speak your truth

 

Turned this saccharine sour

You lost all hope

Too quick to judge

Too quick to fathom 

 

Silence,

Your voice is lost

Black,

Your sight is lost

 

Change,

Is mine to last

Strength,

Defines me now

 

Regret,

All that is left of you

Void,

All that is left of you   

_________________

Lakshman Parsuram

Ode to a Sunny Oompa

Poe and I go back six years.

She's seen me grow as a person and I guess I've literally seen her grow. But blossom would be more appropriate. Quirky, funny teen to smart, funny and rather hot young lady.
She's seen me grow from lost, lonely musician to lost lonely, slightly better musical with a goatee.

I remember her vocabulary was (and still is) about twice the size of mine and I would try my best to keep up and not come off daft.
She used to listen to Lacuna Coil and other emo bands and I'd never even heard of them. I'm the one who's the elder one but I've always been in awe of her and I'm not ashamed to admit it

I don't know why I'm writing this really. She's only moving to a new house but it seems bigger. I don't know why. It's probably because of the letter she found and gave to me

The point is, she's one of the few people who've called me on my shit, even when I wasn't aware I was pulling shit.
But the coolest thing she's ever done for me is co-write lyrics with me. She took my hallmark-rejected pseudo-emo writing and made it worthwhile. If I'm proud of whatver I've written over the last few years, it's because of her.

We don't speak all that often anymore but it's not bad. We catch up and it's awesome and I think that's what matters the most. I'd rather have that than have a "hey whatsup with you?" "ah nothing you tell me" "yknow the usual" "hmmm" "hmmm" conversation.
We don't do that. We neve could. I think we understand each other like that. And that's what it's all about.

Love ya, Oompa.
*shwing*

Running For Cover

Bryan Adams said, "If you wanna be bad yeah you gotta be good"
He got it right. To an extent
I truly did start believing in the whole 'women will always fall for the bad guy' myth. Doesn't mean I was able to execute it well but I believed anyway. It is true, but again, only to an extent
What the extent is? Well, I think that depends on the girl and guy in question. But that's not what this is about.

The following views only apply to people who care about an active social life or just liked being 'liked' by people in general.
It also relates to being generally happy in life bay least it does for me

It's pretty simple. So much so that it borders on preachy and retarded. Be who you are, be good and happiness finds you. It's annoying to realize that it's THAT straightforward.

I joined my friend for wall climbing today and it was the most exhilarated I've felt in months. Years maybe. Pushes your body to jelly and still makes you think about what's going to be your next move.
It's the simplest thing. You're just climbing. But it made me feel content. Even though I went up just once I felt like I actually did something worthwhile

I guess the same principle applies to life. Find those simple things in life that get you going and you're sorted. Everything else will fall into place. You don't have to go changing who you are or what you believe to get what you truly desire

For those not 'in the know', Brad is one of the various side-projects that have emerged from Pearl Jam. Very mellow, very melodic *Borat mode* very naaaice! One of their songs goes a little something like, "...now we're feeling a bit fake as we're running for cover"
Makes a lot of sense here. To me, at least

Good Fun Is On The Way

19:55
I feel so pumped. I think 'fat bottomed girls' does that to me. Queen is THE band. They just always did their thing. Right to the end. I challange ANYONE to not get pumped during that middle section of 'bohemian rhapsody'.
The only thing better than listening to 'fat bottomed girls' is playing 'fat bottomed girls' (wow that would sound wrong without the quotes)
I'm going to have my first proper jam in 6 months tomorrow. It's just covers but I don't care. They're awesome covers. I love the list till now. With the exception of 'breathe' it's so rock and roll it makes me giddy. Giddy with what? Who in the world knows. But it's almost…satisfying

It feels good to feel pumped again. My phone knows it. It's playing 'satisfaction' , followed by 'so much to say'. And on top of that I'm having coffee at turtle.
All hail caffeine.
I've re-discovered coffee in the past month or so. I didn't realize how cool caffine highs could be. They literally make you shake. Way more than nicotine. Combine the two and you have one jumpy-shaky Laksh.
It's getting hard to stay put.

It's like John Mayer said. 'Good love is on the way'. I don't know about love. I don't think I ever will but good fun definitely is. I want to look way deep into this and believe things are at the cusp of something. Not something huge, but something nice.

Don't Look Back In…well just don't

Hindsight is a bitch. It makes you wonder too much. Looking back at the past wondering how things could've been if you you knew back then, what you do now.

 

A friend recently told me that she started dating a girl she knew. After the initial shock and awe that every man displays on hearing of such wonderful things (there really wasn't much…I've come to accept these things now. I have cool friends)

When I asked her how her Boyfriend-of-a-trazillion-years felt about it, her reply- in the form of a question- was short and crisp, "how would you feel if your girlfriend had a girlfriend?" 

 

The honest truth is that I have no idea. Whatever answer I might give is speculation and gyan gathered from couples all around me. My relationships have hardly lasted to even reach the stage of asking the 'big relationship questions'

And then I reflect back to the yesteryears. I see myself doing the things I did, make the mistakes I made. Armed with the knowledge of the future, I see situations for what they could've been, how I could've been. Better. Smarter. 

 

But what's the point? You gain nothing from it. You're only reinforcing what you've already learnt. You only end up beating yourself up for not being the person you are now. With a bitter taste in your mouth. One tiny bit more cynical 

 

 

'Back to me, I know it comes back to me.

Your will's not strong as it used to be' 

From Evernote:

Promises, Promises

I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each day to feel fulfilled.

The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.

Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is music-  Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year. I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.

Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm exaggerating, but the facts still hold

Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'. I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something

Faint Heart Inertia

Bangalore
I've smoked at least 2 packs of milds in the last 5 days. Ive had more
alcohol than I thought humanly capable and I can still go for more.
And im left with the question, why? The answer is simple. Binge and
purge. I'm trying to kill the parts of me that I can't stand by using
the spirit of choice. It's almost like I can start over if I can burn
out and rise up like a Phoenix

I'm dreading going back to work. The same damn conference calls, the
same damn screen, the same damn routine. I've never dreading going
back to Delhi. It's disconcerting
I love Delhi and having this feeling is just not something I want to experience
I have a feeling everything is about to change when I get back.
Nothing is going to be the same. I almost welcome it. Any change at
this point seems like it'll be for the good but what do I know? Murphy
is a mean motherfucker

I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening
to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility
is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen
to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be
at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each
day to feel fulfilled.
The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this
same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't
know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.

Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is
music- Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close
to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one
complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything
in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year.
I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.
Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the
pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've
been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is
becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm
exaggerating, but the facts still hold

Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to
gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass
first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'.
I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I
need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for
something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something

Mystery Smile

A sullen face
Your stunted smile
Bags of shame
'neath your crying eyes
A trickle of black
That sniffle you hide
Just can't explain
The next twisted smile
A drop to the ocean
Just a spec of sand
A sliver to the open
Clue to where it began
Not a right fit
It's not the thing to do
Timing's all that matters
All that ever did to you

On Another Time

Maybe I'll be everything you want
Maybe I'll be everything you need
Juxtapose these wants and needs and see what you believe

Maybe I'm not the man I'm s'posed to be
Maybe I'm just somebody else
Consumed by all this doubt and all the disbelief

Don't go chasing latent dreams
Don't go fighting wars you don't own
Don't try to find what's left in me
I am trying not to leave

Don't try to be all that you can
Dont try to be who you're not
I'll just trip on this staircase and tumble down alone, again

So this is where I bend
So what, I've been here before
It's not my concern nor is it yours so let's just let it end

Don't go chasing dead-end dreams
Don't go claiming what you don't own
Don't try to find what's left in me
I'm trying not to leave

One of these days I'll get my head straight
On another time, when I am mine
I know I will find that perfect rhyme
On another time, when I am gone

Lakshman Parsuram

On a Day Like Today

7:55 AM
A quick cigarette before the cab to work picks me up. I stub it just as the driver pulls up in front of me. Just as I'm about to sit, everything spins out of control for a second - my first headrush in weeks. 

8:00 AM 
'mere yaar' is the first song on shuffle. It blends perfectly with the weather. It's damp and optimistically overacast. The clouds look like a menacing wave charging towards an invisible beach. The smell emabating from the dirt and Tarmac together almost remind me of wet grass. Everything looks clean and fresh. It's like the rain gave the city a new start. 

I think that's why we love the rain. It's a happy time- the period before we're back at forty degrees. Nobody really complains. Strangers in the metro animatedly discuss the good weather instead of just looking nowhere with blank expressions 
The rain gives us hope. Just like the city, we too will be able to start over in some small way- A tiny 'restart from checkpoint'…

8:20 AM
Just as I start to think about my own choices in life, 'superman' (lazlo bane, the scrubs song) starts playing. My phone shuffle's being a real genius today
I've being trying to figure out if I'm truly happy as a person. I know I'm not depressed, not clinically anyway. But my pessimism has taken a new turn of late. It kinda engulfs me; that never happened before. Even when I'm not being pessimistic, I tend to lean towards the negative side of a station. I know it's because I've grown completely tired of disappointments. I think getting rejected from NTU was the tipping point. It was the first time in years a result affected me that much. 

Not knowing what my next move scares me. It was easy to live like that before but I gotta accept that I'm 23. Right now is the 'later' I always thought of when used to say "this doesn't need to be thought of till later". I'm at the proverbial bridge in "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". And being here clueless is horrifying. I'm just blindly applying everywhere now. I've practically kissed my sound engineering dreams goodbye…

The only good thing that's come out all this is that I'm dealing with the slump the only way I know how- music. I'm writing for the first time in over 2 months. I'm re-recording 'clarity' (no, not a John Mayer cover…go to my music page you ignorant, beautiful people. The link is on the right. Right there…yeah, the black and white picture of me playing, that's the one)

I want to end with "maybe it will all end up the way it should" but I don't know. Maybe…

Erase/Replace

Hey,
Been a while, yeah? How've you been?
Wow, the formality of this exchange is creeping me out a bit..
I don't get it. How do things fall out so much that you don't even know what's going on in your friend's life. But like I recently heard Dave Ghrol sing, "the deepest blues are black". Makes sense

Before you misunderstand me or this letter, I'll clarify. This is not me reaching out again. This is not an apology, nor a demand for one. This is nothing but a clarification. One long overdue

I think the crux of the matter lies in the fact that I'm a forgiving person. I can't hold grudges. So every time I forgave all those people you asked me not to, you thought I was weak. You still think it, don't you? You think I'm confused
I was confused. Yes. But it was a confusing time for me. You of all people should've understood that.
I spoke to you about everything because that's what friends did. There's a lot of shit from back then that nobody knows about. Just you…
If I'd known that me pouring myself out like that would have you believe I'm weak, I would've told you right then. But then I do tend to go blind towards the people I love.
I'm not weak. I've not had the hardest life out there(if anything i've had it bloody good). But I'm weathered enough to watch my back and not get hurt anymore. I always forgive, but I dont always forget. That's another thing you refused to see in me.

I think the worst part is how easy it was for you to give it all up. Throw the friendship away without even a second thought. The cherry on top of this beautiful sundae is that you used my own admissions and moments of weakness as an excuse. still do
And that is exactly why you won't hear from me. Not from the heart anyway.
The niceties will always be there, and truthfully too. I won't ever fake a smile. But I won't go any further than that

Next time you'll get it, maybe next time you'll make amends

Love,
Laksh

Turn

Speck of dust in your sand
Ever for, charcoal man
Trapped in ash, a myriad of gray
Finite control, insatiable need
Smoke billows and pain too
Jaded will trapped inside
Where are you?
Where will you be?
Spin a little more?
Make me dizzy
Sort amber from ember
Char the eyes once more
Key of D to believe
All the little things, once more

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Someday I'll be Saturday Night

So here's the first post of the new year. Yeah I'm way late to cash in on the new year, new beginnings crap, but I'll go ahead with it, even if not directly so
I won't make this post about updates on what I've been up to. I'll start things off differently this time. 
This is more along the lines of "rant to no one". Call it catharsis if you will. But hey, whoever said that was a bad thing just liked being pissed off all the time. I don't so here goes


Hey you,
Before I get to what I need to get to, I must say you seem to be doing good. You look well. I'm glad. It's been a while since we talked. Talked, mind you, not spoke. I would say a lot of things Colin Hay has already said and asked, but I'll leave them be since he does a much better job than I do.
I honestly don't know what I'm getting out of this. I'm not sure I even want to say half the things I have in mind. I think I'll go with the flow. If I sound like a complete idiot, I'll just omit that part out.


No, I don't miss you. I do miss the way I felt back then, but I realized that I confused that with missing you..my apologies, I stand corrected. Me missing the state of being happy and carefree has nothing to do with you. Its between me and my state of mind.


I would like my things back, please. Keep the drivel I fed you in the name of gifts, but I want the rest: the important things, the little things.
Before anything else, I want my point of view back. Yes, we shared it at some place in the past but just because I word it better doesn't mean you "enhance" it to something that we could once call "ours" and now you call "yours". I would like you to return my music as well. I don't know how that works, or if it does at all. But if you can, un-hear all that we heard together and all the little songs I made you listen to. The chances of you thinking of me when you listen to them are slim but why keep it as a variable. If you want, I'll do the same for all that you made me listen to. But we're going to have to figure out what to do about the rest of the music. Stuff I'd heard before but made sense only when we were together. I like the music but I'm tired of having the 'you' tag on them. It's burdening and honestly downright annoying. All this might sound immature and miserly(at some level) but what can I say? Music is all I've ever had and all I ever will(especially if I keep running into the likes of you...ok, I take that back. Cheap shot)
While I'm at it, I would like to have all that I gave to you in terms of words. Even the harsh, bitter, venomous and simply hurtful ones. I wouldn't want you to hold on to those. I'll throw them away. But the nice ones I could do with. I swear to God I haven't been able to mean them in the longest time and I don't think I'll ever be able to while you still hold on to them. It's so hard to express myself these days (this is a clear exception). It's wrong to not be able to open up. No, I refuse to open up to you. That ship, I'm sorry to say, has sailed. We're (hopefully) different people now. Yesterday's gone, we can't go back again. That's something I've made my peace with. I guess you did way before me anyway, maybe even when we were still together but what do I know. So please, try and forget anything honest I might've said to you. Burn the little notes. Delete the emails. I want to be able say things and actually mean them.
Lastly, give me back my mojo. I have no fucking idea to how it came to be in your possession but Lord knows you don't need it. I nurtured it for years and I'm not willing to watch it rot. It holds the key to my self-assurance and that's more important that probably the mojo itself. I'm tired of not being who I used to be. I'm tired of second-guessing myself, so much so that I can come up with terms and theories to define my state of being and after a point, it only makes me sounds pretentious and self-righteous. It took the best of me to be how I used to be and bollocks if I don't want that back!


All in all, I think we'll live like happy shiny people for a long time if we can figure all of the aforementioned out. I'm reminded of something Jack Johnson sang once,
"You might think I'm your enemy,
But that don't make you mine
All I have now is sympathy, 
I wish that you'd stop trying
Oh please stop lying..."


Love (or lack thereof),
Laksh