7:55 AM
A quick cigarette before the cab to work picks me up. I stub it just as the driver pulls up in front of me. Just as I'm about to sit, everything spins out of control for a second - my first headrush in weeks.
8:00 AM
'mere yaar' is the first song on shuffle. It blends perfectly with the weather. It's damp and optimistically overacast. The clouds look like a menacing wave charging towards an invisible beach. The smell emabating from the dirt and Tarmac together almost remind me of wet grass. Everything looks clean and fresh. It's like the rain gave the city a new start.
I think that's why we love the rain. It's a happy time- the period before we're back at forty degrees. Nobody really complains. Strangers in the metro animatedly discuss the good weather instead of just looking nowhere with blank expressions
The rain gives us hope. Just like the city, we too will be able to start over in some small way- A tiny 'restart from checkpoint'…
8:20 AM
Just as I start to think about my own choices in life, 'superman' (lazlo bane, the scrubs song) starts playing. My phone shuffle's being a real genius today
I've being trying to figure out if I'm truly happy as a person. I know I'm not depressed, not clinically anyway. But my pessimism has taken a new turn of late. It kinda engulfs me; that never happened before. Even when I'm not being pessimistic, I tend to lean towards the negative side of a station. I know it's because I've grown completely tired of disappointments. I think getting rejected from NTU was the tipping point. It was the first time in years a result affected me that much.
Not knowing what my next move scares me. It was easy to live like that before but I gotta accept that I'm 23. Right now is the 'later' I always thought of when used to say "this doesn't need to be thought of till later". I'm at the proverbial bridge in "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". And being here clueless is horrifying. I'm just blindly applying everywhere now. I've practically kissed my sound engineering dreams goodbye…
The only good thing that's come out all this is that I'm dealing with the slump the only way I know how- music. I'm writing for the first time in over 2 months. I'm re-recording 'clarity' (no, not a John Mayer cover…go to my music page you ignorant, beautiful people. The link is on the right. Right there…yeah, the black and white picture of me playing, that's the one)
I want to end with "maybe it will all end up the way it should" but I don't know. Maybe…
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Erase/Replace
Hey,
Been a while, yeah? How've you been?
Wow, the formality of this exchange is creeping me out a bit..
I don't get it. How do things fall out so much that you don't even know what's going on in your friend's life. But like I recently heard Dave Ghrol sing, "the deepest blues are black". Makes sense
Before you misunderstand me or this letter, I'll clarify. This is not me reaching out again. This is not an apology, nor a demand for one. This is nothing but a clarification. One long overdue
I think the crux of the matter lies in the fact that I'm a forgiving person. I can't hold grudges. So every time I forgave all those people you asked me not to, you thought I was weak. You still think it, don't you? You think I'm confused
I was confused. Yes. But it was a confusing time for me. You of all people should've understood that.
I spoke to you about everything because that's what friends did. There's a lot of shit from back then that nobody knows about. Just you…
If I'd known that me pouring myself out like that would have you believe I'm weak, I would've told you right then. But then I do tend to go blind towards the people I love.
I'm not weak. I've not had the hardest life out there(if anything i've had it bloody good). But I'm weathered enough to watch my back and not get hurt anymore. I always forgive, but I dont always forget. That's another thing you refused to see in me.
I think the worst part is how easy it was for you to give it all up. Throw the friendship away without even a second thought. The cherry on top of this beautiful sundae is that you used my own admissions and moments of weakness as an excuse. still do
And that is exactly why you won't hear from me. Not from the heart anyway.
The niceties will always be there, and truthfully too. I won't ever fake a smile. But I won't go any further than that
Next time you'll get it, maybe next time you'll make amends
Love,
Laksh
Been a while, yeah? How've you been?
Wow, the formality of this exchange is creeping me out a bit..
I don't get it. How do things fall out so much that you don't even know what's going on in your friend's life. But like I recently heard Dave Ghrol sing, "the deepest blues are black". Makes sense
Before you misunderstand me or this letter, I'll clarify. This is not me reaching out again. This is not an apology, nor a demand for one. This is nothing but a clarification. One long overdue
I think the crux of the matter lies in the fact that I'm a forgiving person. I can't hold grudges. So every time I forgave all those people you asked me not to, you thought I was weak. You still think it, don't you? You think I'm confused
I was confused. Yes. But it was a confusing time for me. You of all people should've understood that.
I spoke to you about everything because that's what friends did. There's a lot of shit from back then that nobody knows about. Just you…
If I'd known that me pouring myself out like that would have you believe I'm weak, I would've told you right then. But then I do tend to go blind towards the people I love.
I'm not weak. I've not had the hardest life out there(if anything i've had it bloody good). But I'm weathered enough to watch my back and not get hurt anymore. I always forgive, but I dont always forget. That's another thing you refused to see in me.
I think the worst part is how easy it was for you to give it all up. Throw the friendship away without even a second thought. The cherry on top of this beautiful sundae is that you used my own admissions and moments of weakness as an excuse. still do
And that is exactly why you won't hear from me. Not from the heart anyway.
The niceties will always be there, and truthfully too. I won't ever fake a smile. But I won't go any further than that
Next time you'll get it, maybe next time you'll make amends
Love,
Laksh
Monday, February 21, 2011
Turn
Speck of dust in your sand
Ever for, charcoal man
Trapped in ash, a myriad of gray
Finite control, insatiable need
Smoke billows and pain too
Jaded will trapped inside
Where are you?
Where will you be?
Spin a little more?
Make me dizzy
Sort amber from ember
Char the eyes once more
Key of D to believe
All the little things, once more
Ever for, charcoal man
Trapped in ash, a myriad of gray
Finite control, insatiable need
Smoke billows and pain too
Jaded will trapped inside
Where are you?
Where will you be?
Spin a little more?
Make me dizzy
Sort amber from ember
Char the eyes once more
Key of D to believe
All the little things, once more
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Someday I'll be Saturday Night
So here's the first post of the new year. Yeah I'm way late to cash in on the new year, new beginnings crap, but I'll go ahead with it, even if not directly so
I won't make this post about updates on what I've been up to. I'll start things off differently this time.
This is more along the lines of "rant to no one". Call it catharsis if you will. But hey, whoever said that was a bad thing just liked being pissed off all the time. I don't so here goes
Hey you,
Before I get to what I need to get to, I must say you seem to be doing good. You look well. I'm glad. It's been a while since we talked. Talked, mind you, not spoke. I would say a lot of things Colin Hay has already said and asked, but I'll leave them be since he does a much better job than I do.
I honestly don't know what I'm getting out of this. I'm not sure I even want to say half the things I have in mind. I think I'll go with the flow. If I sound like a complete idiot, I'll just omit that part out.
No, I don't miss you. I do miss the way I felt back then, but I realized that I confused that with missing you..my apologies, I stand corrected. Me missing the state of being happy and carefree has nothing to do with you. Its between me and my state of mind.
I would like my things back, please. Keep the drivel I fed you in the name of gifts, but I want the rest: the important things, the little things.
Before anything else, I want my point of view back. Yes, we shared it at some place in the past but just because I word it better doesn't mean you "enhance" it to something that we could once call "ours" and now you call "yours". I would like you to return my music as well. I don't know how that works, or if it does at all. But if you can, un-hear all that we heard together and all the little songs I made you listen to. The chances of you thinking of me when you listen to them are slim but why keep it as a variable. If you want, I'll do the same for all that you made me listen to. But we're going to have to figure out what to do about the rest of the music. Stuff I'd heard before but made sense only when we were together. I like the music but I'm tired of having the 'you' tag on them. It's burdening and honestly downright annoying. All this might sound immature and miserly(at some level) but what can I say? Music is all I've ever had and all I ever will(especially if I keep running into the likes of you...ok, I take that back. Cheap shot)
While I'm at it, I would like to have all that I gave to you in terms of words. Even the harsh, bitter, venomous and simply hurtful ones. I wouldn't want you to hold on to those. I'll throw them away. But the nice ones I could do with. I swear to God I haven't been able to mean them in the longest time and I don't think I'll ever be able to while you still hold on to them. It's so hard to express myself these days (this is a clear exception). It's wrong to not be able to open up. No, I refuse to open up to you. That ship, I'm sorry to say, has sailed. We're (hopefully) different people now. Yesterday's gone, we can't go back again. That's something I've made my peace with. I guess you did way before me anyway, maybe even when we were still together but what do I know. So please, try and forget anything honest I might've said to you. Burn the little notes. Delete the emails. I want to be able say things and actually mean them.
Lastly, give me back my mojo. I have no fucking idea to how it came to be in your possession but Lord knows you don't need it. I nurtured it for years and I'm not willing to watch it rot. It holds the key to my self-assurance and that's more important that probably the mojo itself. I'm tired of not being who I used to be. I'm tired of second-guessing myself, so much so that I can come up with terms and theories to define my state of being and after a point, it only makes me sounds pretentious and self-righteous. It took the best of me to be how I used to be and bollocks if I don't want that back!
All in all, I think we'll live like happy shiny people for a long time if we can figure all of the aforementioned out. I'm reminded of something Jack Johnson sang once,
"You might think I'm your enemy,
But that don't make you mine
All I have now is sympathy,
I wish that you'd stop trying
Oh please stop lying..."
Love (or lack thereof),
Laksh
I won't make this post about updates on what I've been up to. I'll start things off differently this time.
This is more along the lines of "rant to no one". Call it catharsis if you will. But hey, whoever said that was a bad thing just liked being pissed off all the time. I don't so here goes
Hey you,
Before I get to what I need to get to, I must say you seem to be doing good. You look well. I'm glad. It's been a while since we talked. Talked, mind you, not spoke. I would say a lot of things Colin Hay has already said and asked, but I'll leave them be since he does a much better job than I do.
I honestly don't know what I'm getting out of this. I'm not sure I even want to say half the things I have in mind. I think I'll go with the flow. If I sound like a complete idiot, I'll just omit that part out.
No, I don't miss you. I do miss the way I felt back then, but I realized that I confused that with missing you..my apologies, I stand corrected. Me missing the state of being happy and carefree has nothing to do with you. Its between me and my state of mind.
I would like my things back, please. Keep the drivel I fed you in the name of gifts, but I want the rest: the important things, the little things.
Before anything else, I want my point of view back. Yes, we shared it at some place in the past but just because I word it better doesn't mean you "enhance" it to something that we could once call "ours" and now you call "yours". I would like you to return my music as well. I don't know how that works, or if it does at all. But if you can, un-hear all that we heard together and all the little songs I made you listen to. The chances of you thinking of me when you listen to them are slim but why keep it as a variable. If you want, I'll do the same for all that you made me listen to. But we're going to have to figure out what to do about the rest of the music. Stuff I'd heard before but made sense only when we were together. I like the music but I'm tired of having the 'you' tag on them. It's burdening and honestly downright annoying. All this might sound immature and miserly(at some level) but what can I say? Music is all I've ever had and all I ever will(especially if I keep running into the likes of you...ok, I take that back. Cheap shot)
While I'm at it, I would like to have all that I gave to you in terms of words. Even the harsh, bitter, venomous and simply hurtful ones. I wouldn't want you to hold on to those. I'll throw them away. But the nice ones I could do with. I swear to God I haven't been able to mean them in the longest time and I don't think I'll ever be able to while you still hold on to them. It's so hard to express myself these days (this is a clear exception). It's wrong to not be able to open up. No, I refuse to open up to you. That ship, I'm sorry to say, has sailed. We're (hopefully) different people now. Yesterday's gone, we can't go back again. That's something I've made my peace with. I guess you did way before me anyway, maybe even when we were still together but what do I know. So please, try and forget anything honest I might've said to you. Burn the little notes. Delete the emails. I want to be able say things and actually mean them.
Lastly, give me back my mojo. I have no fucking idea to how it came to be in your possession but Lord knows you don't need it. I nurtured it for years and I'm not willing to watch it rot. It holds the key to my self-assurance and that's more important that probably the mojo itself. I'm tired of not being who I used to be. I'm tired of second-guessing myself, so much so that I can come up with terms and theories to define my state of being and after a point, it only makes me sounds pretentious and self-righteous. It took the best of me to be how I used to be and bollocks if I don't want that back!
All in all, I think we'll live like happy shiny people for a long time if we can figure all of the aforementioned out. I'm reminded of something Jack Johnson sang once,
"You might think I'm your enemy,
But that don't make you mine
All I have now is sympathy,
I wish that you'd stop trying
Oh please stop lying..."
Love (or lack thereof),
Laksh
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Make This Go On Forever?
I was never into playlists. I just had this one large list of about 300 songs and I'd play that to shuffle. Every song on that meant the same. Happy, sad, soft, hard - it was all the same.
Then came states of euphoria and heartache. They're not too happy with just about any song, no sir. They needed special tracks just for them, just to highlight their presence and just maybe elevate their significance.
In that sense, I feel that not having a playlist signifies an equilibrium. A sate of calmness where everything is good. Any song works for you.
But after switching to the playlist system, it can also mean utter chaos. You don't know what you want to listen to, so you cycle through everything you got- hoping you'll hit the sweet spot.
Is it just me or does life work like that too? The minute you know what you like and what you want, you know you're old and ready to be screwed by the man.
Sometimes everything seems aimless, sometimes nothing does. I don't know which is worse
Then came states of euphoria and heartache. They're not too happy with just about any song, no sir. They needed special tracks just for them, just to highlight their presence and just maybe elevate their significance.
In that sense, I feel that not having a playlist signifies an equilibrium. A sate of calmness where everything is good. Any song works for you.
But after switching to the playlist system, it can also mean utter chaos. You don't know what you want to listen to, so you cycle through everything you got- hoping you'll hit the sweet spot.
Is it just me or does life work like that too? The minute you know what you like and what you want, you know you're old and ready to be screwed by the man.
Sometimes everything seems aimless, sometimes nothing does. I don't know which is worse
Sunday, November 21, 2010
So it turns out Blackstratblues will be in Delhi on (or around even if not on) my birthday. I should be breaking something right now, but I can't seem to get myself to feel that strongly...about anything in fact.
This will be my first ever birthday away from home...away from Delhi...It feels...well, I'll finish that sentence when I know for sure..
EDIT :
This will be my first ever birthday away from home...away from Delhi...It feels...well, I'll finish that sentence when I know for sure..
EDIT :
Also playing are Rudy Wallang, Bruce Lee Mani, Loy Mendonsa, Sanjay Divecha, Jai Row Kavi and Amyt Dutta
F
M
L
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Off He Goes...In The Waiting Line
"I'm having trouble seeing
I'm punch drunk and I
Need to find a way back home
It'd be a miracle if you'd oblige..."
It feels funny. Being back. Online.
I never though I'd be able to live without an internet connection. But here I am...mooching off a friend's internet connection. It's surprising how much time I really spent on the internet. You never realise..never.
The good thing is I can blame the lack of posts on the absence of internet thig time. I feel proud. In true Indian fashion, I can legitimately pass the buck...Bring on the Common Wealth Games now. Oh, wait...
So I've been in Chennai for about 5 weeks now. Somehow 5 weeks sounds shorter than "over a month". I love how our brains function. Either way, it still feels like I've been here longer..much longer.
The best way I can describe my existence is by calling it the simple life- basic living, no flash, no bling..none of that hoopla(thank you E, for that word).
I really don't want to bitch about this city..I've done my share and the fact is that it really isn't that bad. I just live on the crappy side of town, far from all the action. That, coupled with the mafia-inspired extortion scam they call the public transport system, restricts me from going out and exploring th city.
Another reason for that is also that I don't have 'my people' here. I do have fun people from work with whom I spend most of my time, but they're not 'my people'. That's why I think I love calling Delhi my hometown (and Bangalore too). I'm invested there in all those I love. I'm scattered across the city in portions that come together to make me whole.
I'd like nothing more than to get lost in Chennai and find my way back somehow..laughing and coming up with the craziest theories and plans. But I know for a fact that only Jayant Sonrexa can bring out that side of me. Hence I continue to live in this makeshift comfort zone in and around my apartment.
I'm just glad Bangalore has some of 'my people'. It's my weekend getaway. No, literally my "get away".
But the simple life has done me some good. I've not had time to sit and reflect almost endlessly for a very long time now. This place has given me that and for that I'll forever be grateful. I ended up writing my best song yet. I don't think I'll ever be able to write lyrics like that again anytime soon. My perspective on a lot of things underwent metamorphosis by me simply being here, and not in Delhi. There are so many things I understand now, so many things that I untangled and uncomplicated for myself. I can say with confidence (and a hint of narcissism) that I have achieved a state of clarity I wouldn't have in Delhi..not without leaving. And with that
I understand now that everything in life is just preparation for something else..something bigger. Not having friends in my neighborhood and/or not having any siblings prepared me for being by myself at home. Sitting at home alone with nothing to do prepared me for life I'm living here. Sitting and reflecting in my small, funny smelling(oh believe me! I've tried getting rid of that damn smell but it clearly knows something I don't) apartment has given me clarity. What for? I have no idea, but I'm quite sure I'll find out soon. 'Til then..
"..Wasting my time
In the waiting lineDo you believe
In what you see"
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