I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. Part of me calls it catharsis. Part of me just needs to vent. I apologise if this disrupts your existence or upsets you in any manner, but I really need to get things off my chest, for everything life currently holds for me and will in the future, wherever it is.
I've realised my life is this set of ironies played out in sequence. Right now, I feel completely lost. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do. So I'm doing the one thing I probably know best, and am apparently famous for- running away. To Bangalore, this time. Well, trying to, and I will, if everything works out. Yes, I know, that's almost poetically ironic. But it's Bangalore. You know what that place holds for me.
I usually don't feel like I have been these past couple of days. But every now and then, well…call it bad relapses.
It's a funny place being where I am right now. Part of me can't stop thing in terms of "what if", part of me just wants to throw caution to the wind and say all of this to you face to face. But your life is far too settled. I will achieve nothing more than making an ass of myself. I'm writing to you because I know you'll never read this. At least I don't think you will...
More than anything else, I wish I had this kind of clarity earlier. I wish I'd experienced the epiphanies I did, much earlier. MUCH. I hate the fact that I now see how good things were and I let them pass as if they were commonplace. It's the only time my judgement was clouded. Well, alright, not the only time but the one time it counted. More than anything else, two things make me feel like an ignorant fool more than anything else
I was blinded by ideas and thoughts that had been contaminated by whatever had (or hadn't) happened prior to when we met. To let that carry on for as long as I did, was not only unfair but downright ridiculous. Worse, I let it carry on unknowingly. I think a part of me knew it was happening, but I quashed the thought without revisiting it ever. I can only look back condescendingly at the ignorance.
The fact that I acted the way I did isn't a surprise. Wasn't to many people then…still isn't. But missing out on second chances calls for one being a colossal asshole. I can safely say I was nothing short of that. The thing that really stings, looking back, is that I was one of those lucky people who got multiple 'second chances'. Yet, somehow, I failed to notice. Each time. There's a special place in Murphian hell that is reserved for for such situations and their actors, myself included. And I know that now. When it's far, far too late.
For all it's minuscule worth, I am repenting. More often than I'd like, but I am. But now i'm tired and worn out and I need to not be stuck in this sick-cycle. I need to, more than anything else, forgive myself. And yet somehow I know a part of me will always wonder, a part of me will always wait…