I am standing in the middle of a storm. There's dust everywhere and not a metro in sight. What scares me is how much my surroundings are reflecting my state of mind. There's a haze, there's dust everywhere and the sunlight's been obscured by the black void that is 'my next step'.
I'm actually glad that I can be completely numb and pretend like everything is alright (and at some level believe it too) because the one thing I hate more than being angry is being angry around people. Yes, angry. Anger pretty much describes most of my emotion right now. Mostly…
I'm angry with the damn university in Singapore. With my boss. With noida. With the uncertainty that has attached to everything in my life. With the people I need the most not being in Delhi. And most of all, with myself.
I'm angry for having let myself let things get so out of hand. For not having more control. For not having clarity when I needed it the most, when I still had the opportunity to take charge. For not being able to let myself get closure, ever.
Delhi seems desolate. Not because I don't have people. I feel very lucky to have brilliant friends and eccentric parents who are amazing. But I just need to get away. I feel monotonous. Monochormic (yes, I'm going with that)
And since 2007 I've only had one place to escape to, and that's where I want to go back to. Bangalore.
I know my life will be very different. I know it's not going to be those 5 days of vacation. I'm going to be on my own. And that is exactly what I need right now. Only then can I have those crystallising moments where everything becomes clear. Three months of living in Chennai gave me a clear idea of what to expect from them.
And that's all that matters right now. To get to Bangalore. Bangalore.