Quicksand

Hey you
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. Part of me calls it catharsis. Part of me just needs to vent. I apologise if this disrupts your existence or upsets you in any manner, but I really need to get things off my chest, for everything life currently holds for me and will in the future, wherever it is.

I've realised my life is this set of ironies played out in sequence. Right now, I feel completely lost. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do. So I'm doing the one thing I probably know best, and am apparently famous for- running away. To Bangalore, this time. Well, trying to, and I will, if everything works out. Yes, I know, that's almost poetically ironic. But it's Bangalore. You know what that place holds for me.

I usually don't feel like I have been these past couple of days. But every now and then, well…call it bad relapses.
It's a funny place being where I am right now. Part of me can't stop thing in terms of "what if", part of me just wants to throw caution to the wind and say all of this to you face to face. But your life is far too settled. I will achieve nothing more than making an ass of myself. I'm writing to you because I know you'll never read this. At least I don't think you will...

More than anything else, I wish I had this kind of clarity earlier. I wish I'd experienced the epiphanies I did, much earlier. MUCH. I hate the fact that I now see how good things were and I let them pass as if they were commonplace. It's the only time my judgement was clouded. Well, alright, not the only time but the one time it counted. More than anything else, two things make me feel like an ignorant fool more than anything else

I was blinded by ideas and thoughts that had been contaminated by whatever had (or hadn't) happened prior to when we met. To let that carry on for as long as I did, was not only unfair but downright ridiculous. Worse, I let it carry on unknowingly. I think a part of me knew it was happening, but I quashed the thought without revisiting it ever. I can only look back condescendingly at the ignorance.

The fact that I acted the way I did isn't a surprise. Wasn't to many people then…still isn't. But missing out on second chances calls for one being a colossal asshole. I can safely say I was nothing short of that. The thing that really stings, looking back, is that I was one of those lucky people who got multiple 'second chances'. Yet, somehow, I failed to notice. Each time. There's a special place in Murphian hell that is reserved for for such situations and their actors, myself included. And I know that now. When it's far, far too late.

For all it's minuscule worth, I am repenting. More often than I'd like, but I am. But now i'm tired and worn out and I need to not be stuck in this sick-cycle. I need to, more than anything else, forgive myself. And yet somehow I know a part of me will always wonder, a part of me will always wait…

Love, Laksh

You Know You're Right…You Really Are

How often do we seek validation? To what extent do we seek it? How do we know where to draw the line?
I don't know how it happened, but I realised, I sought it in music, which is quite alright, and a television show. Now isn't that just a little sad…

I have to admit, it was quite freaky. The same situation played out exactly the same. And then you wait for the scene to be played out like it has to and then you feel a sense of vindication. You weren't the only one to make those choices, say those words or feel that way.
I got disappointed when the story arc didn't end the way it did for me. It made me feel like I made the wrong decisions. Being told by a badly written tv show that you're wrong is quite possibly the lowest you can sink in terms of self-worth.

But the bigger picture lies in the fact that we as human beings always feel the need to be reassured, at some level or the other. That in itself isn't a big deal. But how much we let it affect us and our judgement is the question.
I think I started depending on music as a source of validation that I stopped creating any of my own. And I didn't even realise till I started making music again. As far as the tv show is concerned, circumstances let that ebb soon enough.

I guess at the end of the day, we just have to be content with who we are and the choices we've made, and have faith that at a certain level, we have control and everything will make sense one day.

Come Pick Me Up

I am standing in the middle of a storm. There's dust everywhere and not a metro in sight. What scares me is how much my surroundings are reflecting my state of mind. There's a haze, there's dust everywhere and the sunlight's been obscured by the black void that is 'my next step'.

I'm actually glad that I can be completely numb and pretend like everything is alright (and at some level believe it too) because the one thing I hate more than being angry is being angry around people. Yes, angry. Anger pretty much describes most of my emotion right now. Mostly…

I'm angry with the damn university in Singapore. With my boss. With noida. With the uncertainty that has attached to everything in my life. With the people I need the most not being in Delhi. And most of all, with myself.
I'm angry for having let myself let things get so out of hand. For not having more control. For not having clarity when I needed it the most, when I still had the opportunity to take charge. For not being able to let myself get closure, ever.

Delhi seems desolate. Not because I don't have people. I feel very lucky to have brilliant friends and eccentric parents who are amazing. But I just need to get away. I feel monotonous. Monochormic (yes, I'm going with that)
And since 2007 I've only had one place to escape to, and that's where I want to go back to. Bangalore.

I know my life will be very different. I know it's not going to be those 5 days of vacation. I'm going to be on my own. And that is exactly what I need right now. Only then can I have those crystallising moments where everything becomes clear. Three months of living in Chennai gave me a clear idea of what to expect from them.

And that's all that matters right now. To get to Bangalore. Bangalore.