All Those Yesterdays

Monday, September 13 2010, 1:43 AM
"Reach the door,
 With a breath and a scream,
 Life ain't what it's worth
 A breath and a screa,
 Reach the door.."

1:56 AM
This is the first time in years my life seems definitive..like there's a plan and it's being followed. It's not my favourite plan but I'm just glad it's something. I'm a little tired, a little overwhelmed, a little lost but it still hasn't sunk in yet.

I cannot believe how bad the GRE sucked. The worst bit is that not only does your score suck, your self-esteem seems to join it. This time I was sure I'd killed it....that phrase is funny, "killing it". Never really understood how it came about, especially with a positive connotation...Anyway, the point is that I'm not sure whether I'll stick with this score or give it again..can't seem to decide. Probably because it still hasn't sunk in yet.

1:05 PM
I finally got down to organizing all the documents and whatnot I need to take with me. Leaving seems so much more...real..now. And the more real it gets, the less I seem to like it.
The biggest hangup about leaving is all that you can't leave behind, but you must. There's just too much of me invested here, more that I had realized. If I could take five ridiculous things with me, they'd be:

• Jayu. For the first time, I truly understand the concept of a best friend. I've had best friends before, but the ultimate nature of best-friendship was never understood before this awesome person came along. This one's for you King Kong. 
• Eve/Maria. This one is still hard to digest. I have not been away from either of my guitars for longer than 3 weeks. In fact, since 2005, I have not been away from a guitar for longer than 3 weeks. I dont know what I'm going to do
• Khan Market. I've practically lived there for about 2 years now. There's just something about that place. I feel at home there somehow.
• My roof. It's the best spot of all time. It's my happy place, my sad place, my thinking place..it's going to be sad to leave it behind. 
• The Delhi Metro. There's some strange connection there...

1:37 PM

I never thought I would, but I'm going to be in a strange mood when I pack...it still hasn't sunk in yet...

Sober

Tomorrow's the big day...I'm taking the GRE again. It's funny how people come up to you and ask you the one question that you can't possibly answer, the one question that you ask yourself any idle moment you get - "Are you prepared?" or the more commonly used variant, "How's the preparation?"
How does one possibly answer that question. There's no right answer....there's no honest answer. You're left with no exit strategy besides mild humor followed by an abrupt (and rather obvious) change of subject...but that can also be fun sometimes. But only sometimes..
My sloth-radius is rather small this time around. I've only cluttered one side of my rather small double-bed (I still have no clue to what king-sized, queen-sized, aces-sized really means). But I think the computer-based format of the test and the internet in general are to blame for that...at least I'm still wearing pants

I haven't even binged on cigarettes in a while,  I think since the last party on the roof. A couple of times I haven't enjoyed till I got myself something to drink alongside..I'll get to figure this out tomorrow. Two words, no three - birthday pool party! hahaha! Coming back to the point, I feel....in a funny sort of way, tamed...like I've sobered down. I drink every chance I get. Yeah, I like my alcohol and there's no shame in that. But I, for the life of me, can't get drunk anymore! Am I just subconsciously drinking responsibly or has my body just stopped responding to liquor in a large manner? I went for this house party at a friend's place and there's only one way to describe it- Isane! I drank more than I probably ever have. Result? Sober. It's astounding. I can't seem to explain it. Let's just hope that's not part of the desensitization, because that would be a bitch.



P.S It's been 2 years, I still can't stop tripping on Zephyretta. If Them Clones ever did one right thing, it was this song.

Lost Along The Day

Is it narcissistic of me to be listening to my own song while I write this? Ah well, that's that...can't help it if "Endless Night" is rather kickass in its own right.
EDIT : 'hi-fidelity lows' playlist back on (funny how I seem to write here when I'm listening to it) 

It's been over two months since I wrote anything....but as always, the only reason is that there wasn't much to write about. However, I was looking back at all that has happened since I last wrote here, and I realised I've just bene passing off events as inconsequential even though they're noteworthy. Why? No fuckin' clue. If any of you have any ideas, you know where to find me.

So all those months of sitting at home and labouring over the GRE lead to no spectacular result...i scored a 1280 out of 1600. It's not that bad, but personally I thought 1300 would be respectable, and the itch for those last 20 marks is a bitch (haha) so I'm taking it again in about five days.

Every plan that was being formulated and incubated since April has been cancelled or delayed.
The EP is nowhere. We weren't even able to start recording.
I still haven't gone to Bangalore.
I became single again with absolutely no prospects of that changing anytime in the future.
(as mentioned before) GRE = Fail. (at least the first attempt)
Black Market Collective/Gangotri/Makeshift after what I'd consider a pretty good run is over murky waters. Without Ushinor and Nikhil we really don't have enough directional talent to pull off a sucessful run. I highly doubt we'll find musicians to trace their credentials...

Other events that have transpired in the past couple of months:
I had a legendary party and it was good.
I went to Japan for 3 days (this will get its own post soon)
Anna Kaushik came back to the country and it was awesome. She is one of the coolest people I know and she made my 'summer' awesome. She's gone back to Holland and I miss her.
Jayu and I were up to no good as usual (details of this may also find itself a dedicated post soon)

NTU plans have also been postponed. The courses I want to apply to only have August intakes (that means, the courses only start in August). I wasn't aware of this till recently all thanks to my brilliant skills of not looking at things properly. Also, the sound course at SAE doesn't start before April. All of this basically implies that I have nothing to do till then. Of course, my parents know nothing of any of this.

EDIT : What I was calling fate, just might be my dad being anal. The point being, I just got a joining date at TCS. It's the end of the month and it's in Chennai. If I take it, I get to earn, get out of the house and have something to do till I leave (hopefully) for Singapore in April. But it also means bidding my people farewell sooner than I thought and giving up all hopes of playing live anytime soon.

I feel like this is the lowest I've been all year. Although I haven't ever mentioned the concept of 'the void' here or to many people in general, I feel it's presence once more..
The void is this black hole I feel inside of me. Yknow how every one has that sinking feeling? Well, this is like that, but instead of sinking, there's emptiness..so much so that it seems like a black hole. I like to call it the void.
I miss everyone. I miss being carefree. I miss doing random shit even when I'm alone. The only times I think I've genuinely laughed recently have been doing and watching random shit with Jayu. I don't mean your regular haha, I mean literal outbursts! It's like I'm slowly getting desensitized and that truly scares me.
If I had to think of one thing thats keeping me going(if this even counts as that), I can't...It'll come to me eventually but as of now, I have no fuckin' clue...

"Out of the way, it's a busy day
Ive got things on my mind.
For the want of the price of tea and a slice
The old man died."

Pink Floyd really got it right.