Better Days

I met hilltop a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to describe how I felt then. It's hard to describe how I felt after as well.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.

I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out

It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway

I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.

<insert random song title>

Signs things aren't going so well - losing faith in your own dreams

Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)

You

Took all you wanted 

Spilled all sorts of ink

Nothing left to bloom 

Nothing left to return 

 

Yell,

Speak your mind 

Scream,

Speak your truth

 

Turned this saccharine sour

You lost all hope

Too quick to judge

Too quick to fathom 

 

Silence,

Your voice is lost

Black,

Your sight is lost

 

Change,

Is mine to last

Strength,

Defines me now

 

Regret,

All that is left of you

Void,

All that is left of you   

_________________

Lakshman Parsuram