Don't Look Back In…well just don't

Hindsight is a bitch. It makes you wonder too much. Looking back at the past wondering how things could've been if you you knew back then, what you do now.

 

A friend recently told me that she started dating a girl she knew. After the initial shock and awe that every man displays on hearing of such wonderful things (there really wasn't much…I've come to accept these things now. I have cool friends)

When I asked her how her Boyfriend-of-a-trazillion-years felt about it, her reply- in the form of a question- was short and crisp, "how would you feel if your girlfriend had a girlfriend?" 

 

The honest truth is that I have no idea. Whatever answer I might give is speculation and gyan gathered from couples all around me. My relationships have hardly lasted to even reach the stage of asking the 'big relationship questions'

And then I reflect back to the yesteryears. I see myself doing the things I did, make the mistakes I made. Armed with the knowledge of the future, I see situations for what they could've been, how I could've been. Better. Smarter. 

 

But what's the point? You gain nothing from it. You're only reinforcing what you've already learnt. You only end up beating yourself up for not being the person you are now. With a bitter taste in your mouth. One tiny bit more cynical 

 

 

'Back to me, I know it comes back to me.

Your will's not strong as it used to be' 

From Evernote:

Promises, Promises

I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each day to feel fulfilled.

The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.

Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is music-  Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year. I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.

Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm exaggerating, but the facts still hold

Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'. I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something

Faint Heart Inertia

Bangalore
I've smoked at least 2 packs of milds in the last 5 days. Ive had more
alcohol than I thought humanly capable and I can still go for more.
And im left with the question, why? The answer is simple. Binge and
purge. I'm trying to kill the parts of me that I can't stand by using
the spirit of choice. It's almost like I can start over if I can burn
out and rise up like a Phoenix

I'm dreading going back to work. The same damn conference calls, the
same damn screen, the same damn routine. I've never dreading going
back to Delhi. It's disconcerting
I love Delhi and having this feeling is just not something I want to experience
I have a feeling everything is about to change when I get back.
Nothing is going to be the same. I almost welcome it. Any change at
this point seems like it'll be for the good but what do I know? Murphy
is a mean motherfucker

I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening
to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility
is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen
to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be
at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each
day to feel fulfilled.
The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this
same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't
know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.

Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is
music- Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close
to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one
complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything
in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year.
I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.
Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the
pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've
been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is
becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm
exaggerating, but the facts still hold

Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to
gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass
first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'.
I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I
need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for
something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something

Mystery Smile

A sullen face
Your stunted smile
Bags of shame
'neath your crying eyes
A trickle of black
That sniffle you hide
Just can't explain
The next twisted smile
A drop to the ocean
Just a spec of sand
A sliver to the open
Clue to where it began
Not a right fit
It's not the thing to do
Timing's all that matters
All that ever did to you

On Another Time

Maybe I'll be everything you want
Maybe I'll be everything you need
Juxtapose these wants and needs and see what you believe

Maybe I'm not the man I'm s'posed to be
Maybe I'm just somebody else
Consumed by all this doubt and all the disbelief

Don't go chasing latent dreams
Don't go fighting wars you don't own
Don't try to find what's left in me
I am trying not to leave

Don't try to be all that you can
Dont try to be who you're not
I'll just trip on this staircase and tumble down alone, again

So this is where I bend
So what, I've been here before
It's not my concern nor is it yours so let's just let it end

Don't go chasing dead-end dreams
Don't go claiming what you don't own
Don't try to find what's left in me
I'm trying not to leave

One of these days I'll get my head straight
On another time, when I am mine
I know I will find that perfect rhyme
On another time, when I am gone

Lakshman Parsuram

On a Day Like Today

7:55 AM
A quick cigarette before the cab to work picks me up. I stub it just as the driver pulls up in front of me. Just as I'm about to sit, everything spins out of control for a second - my first headrush in weeks. 

8:00 AM 
'mere yaar' is the first song on shuffle. It blends perfectly with the weather. It's damp and optimistically overacast. The clouds look like a menacing wave charging towards an invisible beach. The smell emabating from the dirt and Tarmac together almost remind me of wet grass. Everything looks clean and fresh. It's like the rain gave the city a new start. 

I think that's why we love the rain. It's a happy time- the period before we're back at forty degrees. Nobody really complains. Strangers in the metro animatedly discuss the good weather instead of just looking nowhere with blank expressions 
The rain gives us hope. Just like the city, we too will be able to start over in some small way- A tiny 'restart from checkpoint'…

8:20 AM
Just as I start to think about my own choices in life, 'superman' (lazlo bane, the scrubs song) starts playing. My phone shuffle's being a real genius today
I've being trying to figure out if I'm truly happy as a person. I know I'm not depressed, not clinically anyway. But my pessimism has taken a new turn of late. It kinda engulfs me; that never happened before. Even when I'm not being pessimistic, I tend to lean towards the negative side of a station. I know it's because I've grown completely tired of disappointments. I think getting rejected from NTU was the tipping point. It was the first time in years a result affected me that much. 

Not knowing what my next move scares me. It was easy to live like that before but I gotta accept that I'm 23. Right now is the 'later' I always thought of when used to say "this doesn't need to be thought of till later". I'm at the proverbial bridge in "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". And being here clueless is horrifying. I'm just blindly applying everywhere now. I've practically kissed my sound engineering dreams goodbye…

The only good thing that's come out all this is that I'm dealing with the slump the only way I know how- music. I'm writing for the first time in over 2 months. I'm re-recording 'clarity' (no, not a John Mayer cover…go to my music page you ignorant, beautiful people. The link is on the right. Right there…yeah, the black and white picture of me playing, that's the one)

I want to end with "maybe it will all end up the way it should" but I don't know. Maybe…