You Know You're Right…You Really Are

How often do we seek validation? To what extent do we seek it? How do we know where to draw the line?
I don't know how it happened, but I realised, I sought it in music, which is quite alright, and a television show. Now isn't that just a little sad…

I have to admit, it was quite freaky. The same situation played out exactly the same. And then you wait for the scene to be played out like it has to and then you feel a sense of vindication. You weren't the only one to make those choices, say those words or feel that way.
I got disappointed when the story arc didn't end the way it did for me. It made me feel like I made the wrong decisions. Being told by a badly written tv show that you're wrong is quite possibly the lowest you can sink in terms of self-worth.

But the bigger picture lies in the fact that we as human beings always feel the need to be reassured, at some level or the other. That in itself isn't a big deal. But how much we let it affect us and our judgement is the question.
I think I started depending on music as a source of validation that I stopped creating any of my own. And I didn't even realise till I started making music again. As far as the tv show is concerned, circumstances let that ebb soon enough.

I guess at the end of the day, we just have to be content with who we are and the choices we've made, and have faith that at a certain level, we have control and everything will make sense one day.

Come Pick Me Up

I am standing in the middle of a storm. There's dust everywhere and not a metro in sight. What scares me is how much my surroundings are reflecting my state of mind. There's a haze, there's dust everywhere and the sunlight's been obscured by the black void that is 'my next step'.

I'm actually glad that I can be completely numb and pretend like everything is alright (and at some level believe it too) because the one thing I hate more than being angry is being angry around people. Yes, angry. Anger pretty much describes most of my emotion right now. Mostly…

I'm angry with the damn university in Singapore. With my boss. With noida. With the uncertainty that has attached to everything in my life. With the people I need the most not being in Delhi. And most of all, with myself.
I'm angry for having let myself let things get so out of hand. For not having more control. For not having clarity when I needed it the most, when I still had the opportunity to take charge. For not being able to let myself get closure, ever.

Delhi seems desolate. Not because I don't have people. I feel very lucky to have brilliant friends and eccentric parents who are amazing. But I just need to get away. I feel monotonous. Monochormic (yes, I'm going with that)
And since 2007 I've only had one place to escape to, and that's where I want to go back to. Bangalore.

I know my life will be very different. I know it's not going to be those 5 days of vacation. I'm going to be on my own. And that is exactly what I need right now. Only then can I have those crystallising moments where everything becomes clear. Three months of living in Chennai gave me a clear idea of what to expect from them.

And that's all that matters right now. To get to Bangalore. Bangalore.

Go Slowly…on a Wheel

I just realised I haven't written in all of March.
It's a little surprising. But mostly not.

In the fraction of a second of the metro-door opening, this peaceful empty bogey has turned into this cacophony of screams, laughter and conversation. I'm oblivious to it all. I have my noise- cancelling headphones on and all I can hear is John Mayer sing about how

"You won't be the first, to love me…"

In the previous chorus he sang

"I won't be the last, to love her…"

I like how he's being brave about what clearly is a breakup. "I have been in love and I will fall in love again..but so will you". That sort of assurance is something I don't see in myself. I always second-guess myself. But that's a good thing. For me. It keeps me on my toes for the most part.

Routine has this sneaky way of catching up with you and becoming a part of you. And then it multiplies. And replicates. Imbibing itself into every little bit of your existence. So much so that you could jump months, even years, and analyse them and notice a routine existing.
I noticed a long-played routine only a few days ago. I also realised that this routine is one I'm not likely to break for a while. How long? Beats me, but a while for sure.

So what do I do with this information? How do I let it shape me as a person? I did something I haven't done in a while. Accept it, and stop caring. It's not "que Sara Sara" and all that crap. I think the best way to describe it is how I interpret Unified Theory's song

"I know I'm not dead
Oh god, I know I'm not dead…yet"

The most obvious thing to pick up from that line is that Chris Shinn wants to die. But that "I know" changes everything if you look at it closely. "I know I'm not dead, even if I want to be". So you just accept what you have and what you don't and carry on doing what you want to/ what you have to.

There is hidden relief in acceptance that becomes so pronounced in certain circumstances that you wonder if it it applies to acceptance in all it's forms . The point is, I have accepted. And it works. Right here, right now, it works. And I'm going to use that understanding and acceptance to carry on without feeling too bad about situations and circumstances I am subject to ( for whatever reason).

Whatever doubt remains, shall be drowned in alcohol, music and company. In any combination available.

Eyes Open

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

From heroes of long
To heroes of today
Lessons stay the same
Everything must be repaid

From one charred centre
To endless more
Nothing stays the same
Hands chaffed from the score

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

From halfway dreams
To unchartered lies
Only melody to the rescue
More reasons to feel alive

From darkened days
To nights darker still
Everything left unsaid
Forging a stronger will

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

Just Older?

What happens when all your beliefs are reduced to a set of unanswered questions and leave you with nothing but a feeling of misplaced faith?

I always thought 24 was a stepping stone. An intermediary age. A time to sort all the eggs so that you could eventually put them in the right baskets.I figured in this day and age, 24 is too early for marriage.
Ramanuja got married last week. I ruled it out as nothing but an anomaly to the rule of thumb I had in my head. And it made sense. His wife(it still feels odd to say) and him seem good together. Them getting married didn't 'feel wrong'. I'm really happy for them.
But then day before I got another wedding invitation. Another classmate from school. And then after a few conversations here and there, I realised something's amiss
I almost forgot that my friend Kriti got married a few weeks ago. Another acquaintance from school is getting married in a couple of months. Kayeks' ex is apparently getting married as well.

What in the world is happening? Why is everybody all of a sudden ready to get married? Or is it just me, am I not seeing something correctly?

It's not them getting married that's left me confounded. It's the implications.
The fact that they're ready, in all spheres, to make a commitment like that. that is what bothers me. They might be, but I'm not. I don't know whether that should scare me or not

There are two aspects to my confusion and dread.
Here these people are, making the biggest commitment of their lives and I don't think I've ever even met one of the small commitments I've made. The longest relationship I've ever been in was 4 months. How in the world would that even count when we're talking about marriage? I got nothing to show for it.
These people getting married also implies that they're quite settled career-wise and somewhat economically. THAT is what scares me the most. When it comes to what I want to do in life, I feel like I'm walking around a house of mirrors. I can't tell what's real or not, and I can't figure out which way to go. I only see illusions of where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm too afraid to really take a direction and crash into glass. So I just stay put.

It's not really a question of whether I want to get married or not. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I don't have the 'credentials' to even consider it? My only solace was that nobody at 24 does. Well, that's one mirror shattered…

From Evernote:

Day Old Hate

It's sad how moods can flip in a second! All it takes is a going-throuh of the old gmail inbox. God I hate gmail sometimes. It's this archive of everything you want to forget but you're too afraid of deleting and that is a dangerous combination. 

 

I can actually see myself (ironically) regress the further I keep reading. 

 

Time machine, time machine, where art thou? 

 

It's hard to read everything, see how blind to things I was, and just carry on in denial. It's worse to have that sort of clarity now. 

 

It makes me wonder. This clarity. Does it apply to the present or am I going to go through my inbox 2 years from now and feel the same way

Have I learnt anything from the past? From the mistakes and the victories? From the fights and pensive conversations? From the jokes and the tears?

 

Dallas Green sang these lines once,

"Isn't it great to find out 

That you're really worth nothing?

 And how safe it is

Just to feel safe" 

 

I've noticed something in the past few months. Some songs I used to think we're the writer/singer talking to another person, make more sense to me when I look at them as the writer/singer talking to themselves. A Two-person interaction with oneself.

It's an interesting perspective to have, depending on what you're really trying to achieve. The aforementioned 

 quote, is a perfect example of that

 

 

I digress. 

 

I think a good test of being happy might be looking at your gmail inbox and not feeling low. 

 

Maybe one day it'll make sense...  

Good Luck Chuck

It all makes so much sense now. In a very dissociated yet connected manner, maybe that's what it's all about
But where does it begin?