Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free
From heroes of long
To heroes of today
Lessons stay the same
Everything must be repaid
From one charred centre
To endless more
Nothing stays the same
Hands chaffed from the score
Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free
From halfway dreams
To unchartered lies
Only melody to the rescue
More reasons to feel alive
From darkened days
To nights darker still
Everything left unsaid
Forging a stronger will
Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Just Older?
What happens when all your beliefs are reduced to a set of unanswered questions and leave you with nothing but a feeling of misplaced faith?
I always thought 24 was a stepping stone. An intermediary age. A time to sort all the eggs so that you could eventually put them in the right baskets.I figured in this day and age, 24 is too early for marriage.
Ramanuja got married last week. I ruled it out as nothing but an anomaly to the rule of thumb I had in my head. And it made sense. His wife(it still feels odd to say) and him seem good together. Them getting married didn't 'feel wrong'. I'm really happy for them.
But then day before I got another wedding invitation. Another classmate from school. And then after a few conversations here and there, I realised something's amiss
I almost forgot that my friend Kriti got married a few weeks ago. Another acquaintance from school is getting married in a couple of months. Kayeks' ex is apparently getting married as well.
What in the world is happening? Why is everybody all of a sudden ready to get married? Or is it just me, am I not seeing something correctly?
It's not them getting married that's left me confounded. It's the implications.
The fact that they're ready, in all spheres, to make a commitment like that. that is what bothers me. They might be, but I'm not. I don't know whether that should scare me or not
There are two aspects to my confusion and dread.
Here these people are, making the biggest commitment of their lives and I don't think I've ever even met one of the small commitments I've made. The longest relationship I've ever been in was 4 months. How in the world would that even count when we're talking about marriage? I got nothing to show for it.
These people getting married also implies that they're quite settled career-wise and somewhat economically. THAT is what scares me the most. When it comes to what I want to do in life, I feel like I'm walking around a house of mirrors. I can't tell what's real or not, and I can't figure out which way to go. I only see illusions of where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm too afraid to really take a direction and crash into glass. So I just stay put.
It's not really a question of whether I want to get married or not. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I don't have the 'credentials' to even consider it? My only solace was that nobody at 24 does. Well, that's one mirror shattered…
I always thought 24 was a stepping stone. An intermediary age. A time to sort all the eggs so that you could eventually put them in the right baskets.I figured in this day and age, 24 is too early for marriage.
Ramanuja got married last week. I ruled it out as nothing but an anomaly to the rule of thumb I had in my head. And it made sense. His wife(it still feels odd to say) and him seem good together. Them getting married didn't 'feel wrong'. I'm really happy for them.
But then day before I got another wedding invitation. Another classmate from school. And then after a few conversations here and there, I realised something's amiss
I almost forgot that my friend Kriti got married a few weeks ago. Another acquaintance from school is getting married in a couple of months. Kayeks' ex is apparently getting married as well.
What in the world is happening? Why is everybody all of a sudden ready to get married? Or is it just me, am I not seeing something correctly?
It's not them getting married that's left me confounded. It's the implications.
The fact that they're ready, in all spheres, to make a commitment like that. that is what bothers me. They might be, but I'm not. I don't know whether that should scare me or not
There are two aspects to my confusion and dread.
Here these people are, making the biggest commitment of their lives and I don't think I've ever even met one of the small commitments I've made. The longest relationship I've ever been in was 4 months. How in the world would that even count when we're talking about marriage? I got nothing to show for it.
These people getting married also implies that they're quite settled career-wise and somewhat economically. THAT is what scares me the most. When it comes to what I want to do in life, I feel like I'm walking around a house of mirrors. I can't tell what's real or not, and I can't figure out which way to go. I only see illusions of where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm too afraid to really take a direction and crash into glass. So I just stay put.
It's not really a question of whether I want to get married or not. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I don't have the 'credentials' to even consider it? My only solace was that nobody at 24 does. Well, that's one mirror shattered…
Friday, January 20, 2012
Day Old Hate
From Evernote: |
Day Old Hate |
It's sad how moods can flip in a second! All it takes is a going-throuh of the old gmail inbox. God I hate gmail sometimes. It's this archive of everything you want to forget but you're too afraid of deleting and that is a dangerous combination.
I can actually see myself (ironically) regress the further I keep reading.
Time machine, time machine, where art thou?
It's hard to read everything, see how blind to things I was, and just carry on in denial. It's worse to have that sort of clarity now.
It makes me wonder. This clarity. Does it apply to the present or am I going to go through my inbox 2 years from now and feel the same way
Have I learnt anything from the past? From the mistakes and the victories? From the fights and pensive conversations? From the jokes and the tears?
Dallas Green sang these lines once,
"Isn't it great to find out
That you're really worth nothing?
And how safe it is
Just to feel safe"
I've noticed something in the past few months. Some songs I used to think we're the writer/singer talking to another person, make more sense to me when I look at them as the writer/singer talking to themselves. A Two-person interaction with oneself.
It's an interesting perspective to have, depending on what you're really trying to achieve. The aforementioned
quote, is a perfect example of that
I digress.
I think a good test of being happy might be looking at your gmail inbox and not feeling low.
Maybe one day it'll make sense...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Good Luck Chuck
It all makes so much sense now. In a very dissociated yet connected manner, maybe that's what it's all about
But where does it begin?
But where does it begin?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Better Days
I met hilltop a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to describe how I felt then. It's hard to describe how I felt after as well.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved
Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.
I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out
It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway
I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved
Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.
I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out
It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway
I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.
Friday, November 4, 2011
<insert random song title>
Signs things aren't going so well - losing faith in your own dreams
Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)
Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)
Thursday, November 3, 2011
You
Took all you wanted
Spilled all sorts of ink
Nothing left to bloom
Nothing left to return
Yell,
Speak your mind
Scream,
Speak your truth
Turned this saccharine sour
You lost all hope
Too quick to judge
Too quick to fathom
Silence,
Your voice is lost
Black,
Your sight is lost
Change,
Is mine to last
Strength,
Defines me now
Regret,
All that is left of you
Void,
All that is left of you
_________________
Lakshman Parsuram
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