From Evernote:

Day Old Hate

It's sad how moods can flip in a second! All it takes is a going-throuh of the old gmail inbox. God I hate gmail sometimes. It's this archive of everything you want to forget but you're too afraid of deleting and that is a dangerous combination. 

 

I can actually see myself (ironically) regress the further I keep reading. 

 

Time machine, time machine, where art thou? 

 

It's hard to read everything, see how blind to things I was, and just carry on in denial. It's worse to have that sort of clarity now. 

 

It makes me wonder. This clarity. Does it apply to the present or am I going to go through my inbox 2 years from now and feel the same way

Have I learnt anything from the past? From the mistakes and the victories? From the fights and pensive conversations? From the jokes and the tears?

 

Dallas Green sang these lines once,

"Isn't it great to find out 

That you're really worth nothing?

 And how safe it is

Just to feel safe" 

 

I've noticed something in the past few months. Some songs I used to think we're the writer/singer talking to another person, make more sense to me when I look at them as the writer/singer talking to themselves. A Two-person interaction with oneself.

It's an interesting perspective to have, depending on what you're really trying to achieve. The aforementioned 

 quote, is a perfect example of that

 

 

I digress. 

 

I think a good test of being happy might be looking at your gmail inbox and not feeling low. 

 

Maybe one day it'll make sense...  

Good Luck Chuck

It all makes so much sense now. In a very dissociated yet connected manner, maybe that's what it's all about
But where does it begin?

Better Days

I met hilltop a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to describe how I felt then. It's hard to describe how I felt after as well.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.

I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out

It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway

I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.

<insert random song title>

Signs things aren't going so well - losing faith in your own dreams

Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)

You

Took all you wanted 

Spilled all sorts of ink

Nothing left to bloom 

Nothing left to return 

 

Yell,

Speak your mind 

Scream,

Speak your truth

 

Turned this saccharine sour

You lost all hope

Too quick to judge

Too quick to fathom 

 

Silence,

Your voice is lost

Black,

Your sight is lost

 

Change,

Is mine to last

Strength,

Defines me now

 

Regret,

All that is left of you

Void,

All that is left of you   

_________________

Lakshman Parsuram

Ode to a Sunny Oompa

Poe and I go back six years.

She's seen me grow as a person and I guess I've literally seen her grow. But blossom would be more appropriate. Quirky, funny teen to smart, funny and rather hot young lady.
She's seen me grow from lost, lonely musician to lost lonely, slightly better musical with a goatee.

I remember her vocabulary was (and still is) about twice the size of mine and I would try my best to keep up and not come off daft.
She used to listen to Lacuna Coil and other emo bands and I'd never even heard of them. I'm the one who's the elder one but I've always been in awe of her and I'm not ashamed to admit it

I don't know why I'm writing this really. She's only moving to a new house but it seems bigger. I don't know why. It's probably because of the letter she found and gave to me

The point is, she's one of the few people who've called me on my shit, even when I wasn't aware I was pulling shit.
But the coolest thing she's ever done for me is co-write lyrics with me. She took my hallmark-rejected pseudo-emo writing and made it worthwhile. If I'm proud of whatver I've written over the last few years, it's because of her.

We don't speak all that often anymore but it's not bad. We catch up and it's awesome and I think that's what matters the most. I'd rather have that than have a "hey whatsup with you?" "ah nothing you tell me" "yknow the usual" "hmmm" "hmmm" conversation.
We don't do that. We neve could. I think we understand each other like that. And that's what it's all about.

Love ya, Oompa.
*shwing*

Running For Cover

Bryan Adams said, "If you wanna be bad yeah you gotta be good"
He got it right. To an extent
I truly did start believing in the whole 'women will always fall for the bad guy' myth. Doesn't mean I was able to execute it well but I believed anyway. It is true, but again, only to an extent
What the extent is? Well, I think that depends on the girl and guy in question. But that's not what this is about.

The following views only apply to people who care about an active social life or just liked being 'liked' by people in general.
It also relates to being generally happy in life bay least it does for me

It's pretty simple. So much so that it borders on preachy and retarded. Be who you are, be good and happiness finds you. It's annoying to realize that it's THAT straightforward.

I joined my friend for wall climbing today and it was the most exhilarated I've felt in months. Years maybe. Pushes your body to jelly and still makes you think about what's going to be your next move.
It's the simplest thing. You're just climbing. But it made me feel content. Even though I went up just once I felt like I actually did something worthwhile

I guess the same principle applies to life. Find those simple things in life that get you going and you're sorted. Everything else will fall into place. You don't have to go changing who you are or what you believe to get what you truly desire

For those not 'in the know', Brad is one of the various side-projects that have emerged from Pearl Jam. Very mellow, very melodic *Borat mode* very naaaice! One of their songs goes a little something like, "...now we're feeling a bit fake as we're running for cover"
Makes a lot of sense here. To me, at least