Split

A lover's need to run 

Covered all in one 

The fear returns 

And it's here to stay 

I'm wasting away 

Callous faith is strong

With pride to lean on 

Safe but not for long 

There will come a day

I'm wasting away 

In Another Time

Maybe I'll be everything you want
Maybe I'll be everything you need
Juxtapose these wants and needs and see what you believe
Maybe I'm not the man I'm s'posed to be
Maybe I'm somebody else
Consumed by all this doubt and all the disbelief

Don't go chasing latent dreams
Don't go fighting wars that aren't yours
Don't try to find what's left in me
I am trying not to leave

Don't try to be all that you can
Dont try to be who you're not
People will come and go but you're all that youve got
(So this is where I bend
So what, I've been here before
It's not my concern nor is it yours
So let's just let it end)

Don't go chasing dead-end dreams
Don't go claiming what you don't own
Don't try to find what's left in me
I'm trying not to leave

There's something in this silent night
To believe, to find a way
There's something in your silent eyes
Tells me, we have changed
If everything could be like it was
Just for tonight, I would pray
Maybe we would see we were fine
We were good, could be great

In another time, maybe…

Moments

My eyes are open
Feeling daylight
I'm finally awake
This shade of blue
Has shed skin
To a shade of grey
I found you
Where I left you
A lifetime ago
But not the same
Something's changed
Where's the dusk and dawn

All of these moments
Will find their way home
All of these moments
Will find their way home
Won't fade away alone

Might seem wrong
I'll play along
I feel right at home
The Perfect symphony
All it could've been
And all we could let go
I found you
Where I left you
A lifetime ago
All the same
Nothing's changed
But not like before

All of these moments
Will find their way home
All of these moments
Will find their way home
Won't fade away alone

Quicksand

Hey you
I honestly don't know why I'm writing this. Part of me calls it catharsis. Part of me just needs to vent. I apologise if this disrupts your existence or upsets you in any manner, but I really need to get things off my chest, for everything life currently holds for me and will in the future, wherever it is.

I've realised my life is this set of ironies played out in sequence. Right now, I feel completely lost. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want to do. So I'm doing the one thing I probably know best, and am apparently famous for- running away. To Bangalore, this time. Well, trying to, and I will, if everything works out. Yes, I know, that's almost poetically ironic. But it's Bangalore. You know what that place holds for me.

I usually don't feel like I have been these past couple of days. But every now and then, well…call it bad relapses.
It's a funny place being where I am right now. Part of me can't stop thing in terms of "what if", part of me just wants to throw caution to the wind and say all of this to you face to face. But your life is far too settled. I will achieve nothing more than making an ass of myself. I'm writing to you because I know you'll never read this. At least I don't think you will...

More than anything else, I wish I had this kind of clarity earlier. I wish I'd experienced the epiphanies I did, much earlier. MUCH. I hate the fact that I now see how good things were and I let them pass as if they were commonplace. It's the only time my judgement was clouded. Well, alright, not the only time but the one time it counted. More than anything else, two things make me feel like an ignorant fool more than anything else

I was blinded by ideas and thoughts that had been contaminated by whatever had (or hadn't) happened prior to when we met. To let that carry on for as long as I did, was not only unfair but downright ridiculous. Worse, I let it carry on unknowingly. I think a part of me knew it was happening, but I quashed the thought without revisiting it ever. I can only look back condescendingly at the ignorance.

The fact that I acted the way I did isn't a surprise. Wasn't to many people then…still isn't. But missing out on second chances calls for one being a colossal asshole. I can safely say I was nothing short of that. The thing that really stings, looking back, is that I was one of those lucky people who got multiple 'second chances'. Yet, somehow, I failed to notice. Each time. There's a special place in Murphian hell that is reserved for for such situations and their actors, myself included. And I know that now. When it's far, far too late.

For all it's minuscule worth, I am repenting. More often than I'd like, but I am. But now i'm tired and worn out and I need to not be stuck in this sick-cycle. I need to, more than anything else, forgive myself. And yet somehow I know a part of me will always wonder, a part of me will always wait…

Love, Laksh

You Know You're Right…You Really Are

How often do we seek validation? To what extent do we seek it? How do we know where to draw the line?
I don't know how it happened, but I realised, I sought it in music, which is quite alright, and a television show. Now isn't that just a little sad…

I have to admit, it was quite freaky. The same situation played out exactly the same. And then you wait for the scene to be played out like it has to and then you feel a sense of vindication. You weren't the only one to make those choices, say those words or feel that way.
I got disappointed when the story arc didn't end the way it did for me. It made me feel like I made the wrong decisions. Being told by a badly written tv show that you're wrong is quite possibly the lowest you can sink in terms of self-worth.

But the bigger picture lies in the fact that we as human beings always feel the need to be reassured, at some level or the other. That in itself isn't a big deal. But how much we let it affect us and our judgement is the question.
I think I started depending on music as a source of validation that I stopped creating any of my own. And I didn't even realise till I started making music again. As far as the tv show is concerned, circumstances let that ebb soon enough.

I guess at the end of the day, we just have to be content with who we are and the choices we've made, and have faith that at a certain level, we have control and everything will make sense one day.

Come Pick Me Up

I am standing in the middle of a storm. There's dust everywhere and not a metro in sight. What scares me is how much my surroundings are reflecting my state of mind. There's a haze, there's dust everywhere and the sunlight's been obscured by the black void that is 'my next step'.

I'm actually glad that I can be completely numb and pretend like everything is alright (and at some level believe it too) because the one thing I hate more than being angry is being angry around people. Yes, angry. Anger pretty much describes most of my emotion right now. Mostly…

I'm angry with the damn university in Singapore. With my boss. With noida. With the uncertainty that has attached to everything in my life. With the people I need the most not being in Delhi. And most of all, with myself.
I'm angry for having let myself let things get so out of hand. For not having more control. For not having clarity when I needed it the most, when I still had the opportunity to take charge. For not being able to let myself get closure, ever.

Delhi seems desolate. Not because I don't have people. I feel very lucky to have brilliant friends and eccentric parents who are amazing. But I just need to get away. I feel monotonous. Monochormic (yes, I'm going with that)
And since 2007 I've only had one place to escape to, and that's where I want to go back to. Bangalore.

I know my life will be very different. I know it's not going to be those 5 days of vacation. I'm going to be on my own. And that is exactly what I need right now. Only then can I have those crystallising moments where everything becomes clear. Three months of living in Chennai gave me a clear idea of what to expect from them.

And that's all that matters right now. To get to Bangalore. Bangalore.

Go Slowly…on a Wheel

I just realised I haven't written in all of March.
It's a little surprising. But mostly not.

In the fraction of a second of the metro-door opening, this peaceful empty bogey has turned into this cacophony of screams, laughter and conversation. I'm oblivious to it all. I have my noise- cancelling headphones on and all I can hear is John Mayer sing about how

"You won't be the first, to love me…"

In the previous chorus he sang

"I won't be the last, to love her…"

I like how he's being brave about what clearly is a breakup. "I have been in love and I will fall in love again..but so will you". That sort of assurance is something I don't see in myself. I always second-guess myself. But that's a good thing. For me. It keeps me on my toes for the most part.

Routine has this sneaky way of catching up with you and becoming a part of you. And then it multiplies. And replicates. Imbibing itself into every little bit of your existence. So much so that you could jump months, even years, and analyse them and notice a routine existing.
I noticed a long-played routine only a few days ago. I also realised that this routine is one I'm not likely to break for a while. How long? Beats me, but a while for sure.

So what do I do with this information? How do I let it shape me as a person? I did something I haven't done in a while. Accept it, and stop caring. It's not "que Sara Sara" and all that crap. I think the best way to describe it is how I interpret Unified Theory's song

"I know I'm not dead
Oh god, I know I'm not dead…yet"

The most obvious thing to pick up from that line is that Chris Shinn wants to die. But that "I know" changes everything if you look at it closely. "I know I'm not dead, even if I want to be". So you just accept what you have and what you don't and carry on doing what you want to/ what you have to.

There is hidden relief in acceptance that becomes so pronounced in certain circumstances that you wonder if it it applies to acceptance in all it's forms . The point is, I have accepted. And it works. Right here, right now, it works. And I'm going to use that understanding and acceptance to carry on without feeling too bad about situations and circumstances I am subject to ( for whatever reason).

Whatever doubt remains, shall be drowned in alcohol, music and company. In any combination available.

Eyes Open

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

From heroes of long
To heroes of today
Lessons stay the same
Everything must be repaid

From one charred centre
To endless more
Nothing stays the same
Hands chaffed from the score

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

From halfway dreams
To unchartered lies
Only melody to the rescue
More reasons to feel alive

From darkened days
To nights darker still
Everything left unsaid
Forging a stronger will

Not a soul alone
Ever did agree
It all falls into place
What a great day to be free

Just Older?

What happens when all your beliefs are reduced to a set of unanswered questions and leave you with nothing but a feeling of misplaced faith?

I always thought 24 was a stepping stone. An intermediary age. A time to sort all the eggs so that you could eventually put them in the right baskets.I figured in this day and age, 24 is too early for marriage.
Ramanuja got married last week. I ruled it out as nothing but an anomaly to the rule of thumb I had in my head. And it made sense. His wife(it still feels odd to say) and him seem good together. Them getting married didn't 'feel wrong'. I'm really happy for them.
But then day before I got another wedding invitation. Another classmate from school. And then after a few conversations here and there, I realised something's amiss
I almost forgot that my friend Kriti got married a few weeks ago. Another acquaintance from school is getting married in a couple of months. Kayeks' ex is apparently getting married as well.

What in the world is happening? Why is everybody all of a sudden ready to get married? Or is it just me, am I not seeing something correctly?

It's not them getting married that's left me confounded. It's the implications.
The fact that they're ready, in all spheres, to make a commitment like that. that is what bothers me. They might be, but I'm not. I don't know whether that should scare me or not

There are two aspects to my confusion and dread.
Here these people are, making the biggest commitment of their lives and I don't think I've ever even met one of the small commitments I've made. The longest relationship I've ever been in was 4 months. How in the world would that even count when we're talking about marriage? I got nothing to show for it.
These people getting married also implies that they're quite settled career-wise and somewhat economically. THAT is what scares me the most. When it comes to what I want to do in life, I feel like I'm walking around a house of mirrors. I can't tell what's real or not, and I can't figure out which way to go. I only see illusions of where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm too afraid to really take a direction and crash into glass. So I just stay put.

It's not really a question of whether I want to get married or not. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I don't have the 'credentials' to even consider it? My only solace was that nobody at 24 does. Well, that's one mirror shattered…

From Evernote:

Day Old Hate

It's sad how moods can flip in a second! All it takes is a going-throuh of the old gmail inbox. God I hate gmail sometimes. It's this archive of everything you want to forget but you're too afraid of deleting and that is a dangerous combination. 

 

I can actually see myself (ironically) regress the further I keep reading. 

 

Time machine, time machine, where art thou? 

 

It's hard to read everything, see how blind to things I was, and just carry on in denial. It's worse to have that sort of clarity now. 

 

It makes me wonder. This clarity. Does it apply to the present or am I going to go through my inbox 2 years from now and feel the same way

Have I learnt anything from the past? From the mistakes and the victories? From the fights and pensive conversations? From the jokes and the tears?

 

Dallas Green sang these lines once,

"Isn't it great to find out 

That you're really worth nothing?

 And how safe it is

Just to feel safe" 

 

I've noticed something in the past few months. Some songs I used to think we're the writer/singer talking to another person, make more sense to me when I look at them as the writer/singer talking to themselves. A Two-person interaction with oneself.

It's an interesting perspective to have, depending on what you're really trying to achieve. The aforementioned 

 quote, is a perfect example of that

 

 

I digress. 

 

I think a good test of being happy might be looking at your gmail inbox and not feeling low. 

 

Maybe one day it'll make sense...  

Good Luck Chuck

It all makes so much sense now. In a very dissociated yet connected manner, maybe that's what it's all about
But where does it begin?

Better Days

I met hilltop a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to describe how I felt then. It's hard to describe how I felt after as well.
A part of me is glad we met over coffee. I don't want to know how it might've gone if alcohol was involved

Do I wish things were different? Do I wish I weren't as much of an idiot as I was back in the day? Do I realize how good I had it and took everything for granted looking for that 'something better'? Sure. But my belief in 'everything happens for a reason' prevents me from bitching too much.

I actually felt much better after the meeting. I even met hilltop's significant other and it was rather pleasant. I think it's hard to feel too awkward around genuinely nice people.
I thought I'd feel horrible after the meeting, but on the contrary, I was actually feeling upbeat. That took me a while to figure out

It's simple though. At some level I know things could've been much worse. Almost as bad as I pictured them in my head. The fact that they weren't left me at ease. That doesn't imply that being there was easy. It just means there was no awkwardness and that's the most I could ask for anyway

I think the thing that bugs me is that I've finally figured most of my big hang ups and issues in life and I'm ready to be in a relationship and not fuck it up, but there's this sinking feeling its too late…for now anyway.

<insert random song title>

Signs things aren't going so well - losing faith in your own dreams

Also, your worst mistakes are thrown in your face in a blatant yet nonchalant fashion by karma (that bitch)

You

Took all you wanted 

Spilled all sorts of ink

Nothing left to bloom 

Nothing left to return 

 

Yell,

Speak your mind 

Scream,

Speak your truth

 

Turned this saccharine sour

You lost all hope

Too quick to judge

Too quick to fathom 

 

Silence,

Your voice is lost

Black,

Your sight is lost

 

Change,

Is mine to last

Strength,

Defines me now

 

Regret,

All that is left of you

Void,

All that is left of you   

_________________

Lakshman Parsuram

Ode to a Sunny Oompa

Poe and I go back six years.

She's seen me grow as a person and I guess I've literally seen her grow. But blossom would be more appropriate. Quirky, funny teen to smart, funny and rather hot young lady.
She's seen me grow from lost, lonely musician to lost lonely, slightly better musical with a goatee.

I remember her vocabulary was (and still is) about twice the size of mine and I would try my best to keep up and not come off daft.
She used to listen to Lacuna Coil and other emo bands and I'd never even heard of them. I'm the one who's the elder one but I've always been in awe of her and I'm not ashamed to admit it

I don't know why I'm writing this really. She's only moving to a new house but it seems bigger. I don't know why. It's probably because of the letter she found and gave to me

The point is, she's one of the few people who've called me on my shit, even when I wasn't aware I was pulling shit.
But the coolest thing she's ever done for me is co-write lyrics with me. She took my hallmark-rejected pseudo-emo writing and made it worthwhile. If I'm proud of whatver I've written over the last few years, it's because of her.

We don't speak all that often anymore but it's not bad. We catch up and it's awesome and I think that's what matters the most. I'd rather have that than have a "hey whatsup with you?" "ah nothing you tell me" "yknow the usual" "hmmm" "hmmm" conversation.
We don't do that. We neve could. I think we understand each other like that. And that's what it's all about.

Love ya, Oompa.
*shwing*

Running For Cover

Bryan Adams said, "If you wanna be bad yeah you gotta be good"
He got it right. To an extent
I truly did start believing in the whole 'women will always fall for the bad guy' myth. Doesn't mean I was able to execute it well but I believed anyway. It is true, but again, only to an extent
What the extent is? Well, I think that depends on the girl and guy in question. But that's not what this is about.

The following views only apply to people who care about an active social life or just liked being 'liked' by people in general.
It also relates to being generally happy in life bay least it does for me

It's pretty simple. So much so that it borders on preachy and retarded. Be who you are, be good and happiness finds you. It's annoying to realize that it's THAT straightforward.

I joined my friend for wall climbing today and it was the most exhilarated I've felt in months. Years maybe. Pushes your body to jelly and still makes you think about what's going to be your next move.
It's the simplest thing. You're just climbing. But it made me feel content. Even though I went up just once I felt like I actually did something worthwhile

I guess the same principle applies to life. Find those simple things in life that get you going and you're sorted. Everything else will fall into place. You don't have to go changing who you are or what you believe to get what you truly desire

For those not 'in the know', Brad is one of the various side-projects that have emerged from Pearl Jam. Very mellow, very melodic *Borat mode* very naaaice! One of their songs goes a little something like, "...now we're feeling a bit fake as we're running for cover"
Makes a lot of sense here. To me, at least

Good Fun Is On The Way

19:55
I feel so pumped. I think 'fat bottomed girls' does that to me. Queen is THE band. They just always did their thing. Right to the end. I challange ANYONE to not get pumped during that middle section of 'bohemian rhapsody'.
The only thing better than listening to 'fat bottomed girls' is playing 'fat bottomed girls' (wow that would sound wrong without the quotes)
I'm going to have my first proper jam in 6 months tomorrow. It's just covers but I don't care. They're awesome covers. I love the list till now. With the exception of 'breathe' it's so rock and roll it makes me giddy. Giddy with what? Who in the world knows. But it's almost…satisfying

It feels good to feel pumped again. My phone knows it. It's playing 'satisfaction' , followed by 'so much to say'. And on top of that I'm having coffee at turtle.
All hail caffeine.
I've re-discovered coffee in the past month or so. I didn't realize how cool caffine highs could be. They literally make you shake. Way more than nicotine. Combine the two and you have one jumpy-shaky Laksh.
It's getting hard to stay put.

It's like John Mayer said. 'Good love is on the way'. I don't know about love. I don't think I ever will but good fun definitely is. I want to look way deep into this and believe things are at the cusp of something. Not something huge, but something nice.

Don't Look Back In…well just don't

Hindsight is a bitch. It makes you wonder too much. Looking back at the past wondering how things could've been if you you knew back then, what you do now.

 

A friend recently told me that she started dating a girl she knew. After the initial shock and awe that every man displays on hearing of such wonderful things (there really wasn't much…I've come to accept these things now. I have cool friends)

When I asked her how her Boyfriend-of-a-trazillion-years felt about it, her reply- in the form of a question- was short and crisp, "how would you feel if your girlfriend had a girlfriend?" 

 

The honest truth is that I have no idea. Whatever answer I might give is speculation and gyan gathered from couples all around me. My relationships have hardly lasted to even reach the stage of asking the 'big relationship questions'

And then I reflect back to the yesteryears. I see myself doing the things I did, make the mistakes I made. Armed with the knowledge of the future, I see situations for what they could've been, how I could've been. Better. Smarter. 

 

But what's the point? You gain nothing from it. You're only reinforcing what you've already learnt. You only end up beating yourself up for not being the person you are now. With a bitter taste in your mouth. One tiny bit more cynical 

 

 

'Back to me, I know it comes back to me.

Your will's not strong as it used to be' 

From Evernote:

Promises, Promises

I can't figure out what I want to listen to these days. I'm listening to everything but not really feeling. The emptiness of my sensibility is, honestly, confusing. How can you not know what you want to listen to? Of the seven-plus gigs of music I carry with me, there HAS to be at least a couple of hundred megs of songs that I will go back to each day to feel fulfilled.

The cherry on top of the shit-cake that is this situation is that this same feeling of utter dread has seeped in to everything else. I don't know what I want with life. Not at a grand scale anyway.

Right now, I know the one thing that can change the way I feel is music-  Playing, creating, arranging. I haven't played anything close to a live gig in four months. I can barely write. I have written one complete song ever since this year began. I haven't recorded anything in a year. One whole craptastic, mind-numbingly mundane, hollow year. I've had some of the best times this year, 2011.

Ive gone on more vacations this year than any other. I'm not the pack-my-bags-and-take-off kinda guy. I realized the only reason I've been doing that is to fight the numbness that my existence in Delhi is becoming. It sound s all doom-and-gloom I know, and maybe I'm exaggerating, but the facts still hold

Coming back to the point. I am utterly desperate to get back to gigging. It's come down to me Considering playing with half-ass first-timer bands that are willing to hire me as a 'lead guitarist'. I'm willing to continue recording at home and not play live too. But I need that kick to get me back into gear, I need that drive, I need for something to make me feel strong enough about anything to do something

Faint Heart Inertia

Bangalore
I've smoked at least 2 packs of milds in the last 5 days. Ive had more
alcohol than I thought humanly capable and I can still go for more.
And im left with the question, why? The answer is simple. Binge and
purge. I'm trying to kill the parts of me that I can't stand by using
the spirit of choice. It's almost like I can start over if I can burn
out and rise up like a Phoenix

I'm dreading going back to work. The same damn conference calls, the
same damn screen, the same damn routine. I've never dreading going
back to Delhi. It's disconcerting
I love Delhi and having this feeling is just not something I want to experience
I have a feeling everything is about to change when I get back.
Nothing is going to be the same. I almost welcome it. Any change at
this point seems like it'll be for the good but what do I know? Murphy
is a mean motherfucker